Craiglist Ad

Ok, so I did something which to me is hilarious, but at the same time I have a slight tinge of guilt for doing it, because its misleading. Well, okay, its an out and out lie. But its for research purposes. Okay! It’s for fun too. You found me out. But hey, I wouldn’t be doing any of this if it wasnt also fun, right? Right.

So last night I composed a short ad for the help wanted section on the NYC craigslist. It is entitled “Occult/Paranormal Investigator(s)” and i decided to put it into the “Skilled trades jobs” section, after some deliberaion.

the text of the ad goes like this:

Starting small occult/paranormal investigation firm to assist individuals with a variety of situations, home, office, personal. Some demonstrable psychic abilities preferred, but not necessary. Strong knowledge/experience with occult/paranormal a must. 1-2 positions available. Some minimal travel in the northeast region may be required.

Salary neg. (probably per project). Query with short description of experience, abilites. Do not submit resumes, attachments, etc. Thanks!

Yeah, so I was trying to make it sound as completely legitimate as possible. I really imagined myself as being able to fund the creation of a small team of investigators, and what I would say to keep it short and sweet, and drum up some interesting people. Anyway, I feel bad about it, cause I know that if I saw this ad on craigslist, I would be all like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” and craft this big crazy letter in response to it, and then sit and pray that they called me. Oh wait, I have done that with a million other jobs on here that were definitely real jobs, and no one ever called or wrote me back.

Anyway, thats what I plan to do, is not call or write anybody back. I feel like that would just be taking it too far. Right now, its more just about putting my feet in the water and seeing what is out there. The thing is, I don’t really know how to start with all this, so I am casting about in a lot of weird directions, seeing what i come up with.

Yeah, I actually did consider vaguely the notion of responding to people who query about the ad, and then like setting up phony interviews with them at a Starbucks in Manhattan or something. And I would take with me like a legal pad, and some like fake paperwork, maybe some kind of phony application to have them fill out. Like a questionnaire about their psychic experiences and ghostly knowledge. Man, that sure would be awesome actually. It would be the straight up funniest thing I have ever done. Its too bad I’m such a bad liar. I would probably get there and just start laughing, or else they would be taking it all serious, and then I would break down and be like “Oh man, listen - I’m sorry - this is all completely made up! I just wanted to see what would happen.” Man, people would be so pissed.

Ah, anyway, yeah, I’ve already gotten maybe 4 responses, and it just got posted this morning. They all suck actually. If I were really ready to hire people to join my team of crack occult investigators, I wouldn’t want to interview any of them based on their letters.

Letter (1) is from someone who wants to know if I have any admin/receptionist positions available, because they are starting to recognize and develop their psychic abilities, and feel like they would be able to grow in an environment with other people of like mind. I actually like this letter the best. It seems very sincere, and if I did have an opening for admin/receptionist, I would probably give them an interview.

Letter (2) is very short and says that he has experienced precognitive and telepathic abilities, but only in REM dream state. And that one time he felt the presence of a spirit, and “a dog confirmed this barking at thin air.” Hehe. Anyway, he concludes by saying that he hasnt been able to pursue these abilities much in the past because of all the “fakery and bunk out there.” I like his use of the word “bunk.” Oh and then he joking says that he has seen all the X-Files episodes. and puts in one of these “;)” How darling. I don’t think I would respond to this guy if I were actually hiring. One time on this ghost hunting show on the Discovery or Learning Channel, I saw this team of investigators had to go into this old haunted hotel, and one of the guys actually did have to sleep in this haunted room, and had all this monitoring equipment attached to him, and they wanted to see if he could make contact while asleep. So maybe its a valuable skill to have, but I feel like it would need to be augmented by other waking abilities and knowledge.

Letter (3) is from someone calling themselves the Jade Emperor, and all it says is “I am qualified.” I guess I am supposed to get trapped in the minimalist mystique of their response. But seriously, just because this is paranormal work doesn’t mean that I am going to just drop my pants and run around screaming “Hallelujah! I’ve found them!” because they send me a ridiculous one line letter. Come on people.

Letter (4) starts with a “to whom it may concern” which instantly turns me off. It is written in a very weird professional tone at least though. But it is so impersonal because of that, that it just makes it sound like he’s lieing (I’m one to talk, right?) and more importantly, that he has probably never held a full time professional job before. Anyway, he describes that he is here for the summer, and is a philosophy/biochemistry major on the west coast. He seems very analytical, and describes his ability to collect empirical data, and break “down various arguments into their constituent parts and examining hidden contradictions or inherent fallacies in them.” Wow! How boring. I bet he is really fun at parties… “You know Lucy, I like what you said about the new Radiohead album, but I’m seeing some inherent fallacies in your argument…” Hehe. Oh man. Anyway, I don’t want to be this kind of investigator anyway, always trying to look for “empirical data” and “hidden contradictions.” I don’t want my work to be ruled by reason like that. The analytical mind should be recognized as an immensely useful tool, and not given free reign to go nuts. He says towards the end that he hasn’t yet discovered any psychic abilities in himself. I like that he’s optimistic, but I’m also guessing that he won’t ever if he keeps trying to uncover hidden phalluses… I mean fallacies. Hehe. Ok, I will write more when I get more responses, and eventually i will turn it into a nice article describing what I’ve learned.