I was talking to my good friend John earlier this evening, and I felt like we touched on some really excellent points, which I would love to try and ennumerate here. It’s kind of a big topic though, and I feel like its gonna veer out of control once I start writing about it, but oh well, thats the nature of the beast. You have to hold onto your moments of clarity, and keep pressing forward.

Ok, so it’s about dating. Which is something John and I have been talking a lot about lately. Well, no, scratch that, we have historically talked a lot about it. Actually, my next step after I hash this mess out, is to write a nice little biographical sketch about John, cause I promised him that I would. And he seemed fairly excited about it, so I don’t want to let him down.

Right, so back to my topic. Well, it’s not just about dating. It’s about projection too. What does that mean… hm. I wish i hadn’t closed the instant messenger conversation that held all our pearls of wisdom…. Okay, so I think, basically, my point is this, that when you date people, you have to watch out why you’re doing it. I mean, i think, most people, myself included look for “partners” we’ll call them, because thats such a lame term. They look for people to date who are the things that they themselves want to be.

Like here’s an example… for a long time, I was really hung up on being interested in girls who are really aggressive, if not kind of mean. And sure, thats fine, and I do still like it, but there was a point that, I realized the reason I was attracted to them was because they were something that I wanted to be, namely, take charge, out-going, and aggressive. It’s like, I wanted it so bad that I didn’t realize I wanted it, and the best I could do was to externalize it in the form of another person, and then cling to them, because they were what I wanted to be, and to lose them was to lose something of who I was myself. Something like that. I feel like I botched the description a little, but you get the idea.

And you know, it sucks to be on either end of it, to be the projector, or to be the other person’s movie screen. Sometimes you realize what’s happening, but usually you don’t, cause you’re too blinded by the flashing lights of the filmstrip. I guess, the thing to remember is that movies only last an hour and a half, maybe two hours. Real life still happens once you leave the theatre. Real life is better than the movies, even though its way more complicated… and you have to work at it, instead of sit back and have it happen to you.

Anyway, the point is, somewhere along the line, I started to become who I really am. I know! It’s cool! I love it! It’s why I feel so great, even when I feel shitty. And,you know? It turns out, the things that I always wanted to be, I really am them. What a brilliant scam I was running to trick myself out of realizing that for so long. And more and more, I can be what I want to be, without having to find it outside of me first, and then cling to it. I mean, it’s not a perfect process, and I’m still working out the kinks, but shit! I’m doing great, you know.

So what does that mean? How did I do it? What happens next? These are all good questions, and the answer to all of those is I don’t know. All I do know right now, is that you have to go in, be who you are (which is both harder and easier than it sounds), realize what you like, and why, and be good to people, and let’s not forget, have fun! It’s a surefire formula for success.