It’s called… well, I don’t know what it’s called yet. Maybe you’d like to suggest names. Anyway, there was an ad on MSN which really inspired a certain terrific loathing in me. It was of “Dr.” Phil, and advertised “SHAPE UP!” and some junk about losing weight or something. Anyway, you can view the original ad below, if its not still online. The ad linked to a service of Dr. Phil’s offering to give FREE Weight Management Profile.

So, just for the hell of it, I’m signing up under the name “Suck My Ball Hair” (”Suck My” is my first name, in this case). Alright, let’s see… I’m 6′2′ (maybe 6′3″ - its been a while) and about 195 lbs. According to the personalized diet for “Suck My,” I’m supposed to lose 20 whole pounds! That’s nuts! Especially because my “Healthy weight range” is 147-199. Why should I lose weight if I’m in their statistics? This seems fucked up. “START THIS PLAN NOW >>” Let’s click on that, and see what I’m supposed to buy (PS. I forgot to mention that I opted out of signing up for 20 different newsletters and junk mail programs already).

Here’s what I get:

Dear suck my ball hair:
I will create a custom diet just for you based on your personal profile. Each week you will receive…

• A new set of meal plans based on your progress
• A personal shopping list to take to the supermarket
• 24/7 professional support
• Automatic enrollment in eDiets U online seminar

Susan L. Burke, MS, RD/LD, CDE
Director of Nutrition Services
Holy shit is it ever funny to see this picture of this woman seated on a couch in a respectable pant suit intoning the words “Dear suck my ball hair”. Anyway, its “Only $5 Per Week” and I can “Cancel Anytime, For Any Reason! (Billed Quarterly)”

I think I’m gonna do it! I mean, I do need to “Sign up now and start losing your first 10 pounds by Oct. 22!”

Shit! This stuff is nuts! What kind of filth and bile are they feeding to people? This is wildly irresponsible, and just fucking terrible. Goddammit! I’m incensed. Did I mention also that underneath the Dr. Phil ad on the home page of MSN, there was a link that said “Free beauty tote with $85 purchase” which linked to Neiman Marcus.

Something horrible is going on here. I’m taking my battle to the next level. That’s the game (didn’t think I would come back to that, did you?). The rules of the game so far, are to take an ad, and then to subtly modify it, so as to uncover its real message.

And yes, before you get on your high culture-jamming horse, I know I’m not the first one to do this, so ease off pardner. In fact, I’m more inspired by a fantastic sci-fi romp from John Carpenter called “They Live” in which evil aliens control earth, and a man discovers a pair of glasses (called Hoffman lenses - I wonder if this is a nod to Abbie Hoffman, ‘inventor’ of LSD) which allows him to see the aliens and their evil alien messages:

[The main character - played by wrestler ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper] wanders down the street, seeing that almost everything has hidden messages. “CONSUME”, “NO INDEPENDENT THOUGHT“, “WATCH TV” and “SLEEP” are among the most common signs he sees. Even the money is all filled with the message “THIS IS YOUR GOD”.

The movie has a group of rebels trying to break the alien agena into smithereens. At one point, the rebels send out the following broadcast:

…our impulses are being redirected. We are living in an artificially induced state of consciousness that resembles sleep..
…the movement was begun eight months ago by a small group of scientists who discovered, quite by accident, these signals being sent through tele…
…the poor and the underclass are growing. Racial justice and human rights are nonexistent. They have created a repressive society and we are their unwitting accomplices…
…their intention to rule rests with the annhialation of consciousness. We have been lulled into a trance. They have made us indifferent, to ourselves, to others, we are
focused only on our own gain. We ha…
…please understand, they are safe as long as they are not discovered. That is their primary method of survival. Keep us asleep, keep us selfish, keep us sedated…
…they are dismantling the sleeping middle class. More and more people are becoming poor. We are their cattle. We are being bred for slavery. The revolu…
…we cannot break their signal, our transmitter is not powerful enough. The signal must be shut off at the source. We have…

Maybe this game should be called the “Hoffman Lenses Game” in honor of these noble rebels from the movie. Unless someone has a better name for it, that is.

Without further ado, here is my first entry into the game.

If anyone would like to join in this game, or recommend some good ads for looking at with the Hoffman Lenses, shoot em my way.

(Parenthetically, can we just take a moment to look at that maniacal grimace on the face of ‘Dr.’ Phil? He looks like his death mask is about to peel off his face)