So yeah, for anybody who doesn’t know, I’ve been going out to a lot of dance clubs since I’ve been in Pittsburgh. Usually with my brother and a few of his friends. At first I was skeptical and thought the whole thing was rather retarded. But now I really “get it” and always have a really awesome time. Plus I’ve learned all sort of important things from going out to clubs, and I want to talk about one in particular which I was noticing really really heavily last night while we were kicking it down at “Matrix.”

Men are really uncomfortable at dance clubs. Or like 98% of them anyway. I mean, maybe its just Pittsburgh, and that it’s a real serious blue collar town - but I think it goes a lot deeper than that.

For example: while taking several breaks - in the hopes of cutting down on my sweat output - I had the misfortune to see the same scene play out in front of me again and again. The scene goes like this. A guy is sitting at a table with his girlfriend. His girlfriend, in this situation, is always cute, or full-on hot, and she ALWAYS so obviously wants to dance. And what’s more, she wants to dance with HIM. To me, this is a no-brainer. You’re at a club with your girl, and she’s ready to go. You get up and dance, and have a great time. Simple. Very simple in fact. Nothing could be simpler. Instead, what happens, without fail, is the girl stands up, while the guy stays seated. She sips at her drink, and eyes the dance floor and starts to shake her hips and move her feet. Her man does nothing. She says something. He does nothing. She takes him by both hands, and tries to pull him to his feet. He refuses. She tries again. He refuses. She eventually gives up and goes out on the floor herself and dances. She saunters back occasionally towards him, throwing him all kinds of signs and signals to come out and join her. He does nothing.

I saw this play out EXACTLY at least seven times last night. The other classic variant is that the guy actually does come out on the dance-floor, but when he does he either (1) just stands there, swaying almost imperceptibly, (2) moves around like a dead fish. In either case, his girl is standing there in front of him, moving around like crazy, just being smolderingly sexy. And his response is just totally inappropriate and inadequate.

One more classic scenario… basically, this involves groups of 4 or so guys who stand on the edge of the dance floor, clutching frantically at their Coors Light bottles, as they stare out at a veritable sea of girls dancing unattended. Just swarms and swarms of girls. All ready to go, and flashing all kinds of inviting glances your way. And the dudes just fucking stand there and do nothing. It’s totally mind-boggling.

Eventually, like an hour or two before closing, the guys waiting in the wings finally are drunk enough and haved worked up enough courage to go out and dance really badly with a girl.

Of course, my brother and I don’t fall prey to any of these typical male problems. Maybe its our French blood, maybe it’s something else. But when I see a ratio of 20 sexed-up girls to 1 guy on the dance floor, you can rest-fucking-assured that I go out there and have a good time. Who wouldn’t? Apparently 98% of guys wouldn’t. That’s who. And I just don’t get it.

I think it has something to do with body image & sexuality for men. Now, this is something I really only ever hear associated with women. But based on my “research” at the clubs, its a much much bigger problem with men. Girls go out and dance and have fun, and it seems pretty easy (for most of them). But most men are too awkward and embarrassed of themselves and their bodies and of using their bodies to do anything at all. Besides my brother and I, I would say there was maybe a total of 4 other guys in the entire club over several hours who weren’t afraid to really get down and boogie.

It’s just pathetic and makes me really sad to see (white) guys who are just so down on themselves that they can’t even have a good time doing one of the most primal of human activities, dancing. I can only imagine that this shit must frustrate the living hell out of girls. I don’t know. Maybe they’re used to it. I’m gonna have to rely on their opinions and experiences here.

But I know it fucking frustrates the hell out of me to see it. When I’m at a club, having fun, I like it when everybody around me is having fun. I think that’s just the way you should be in a club, try and take as many people with you to “Super-Fun-Land” as you can. But then there’s all these dudes, fucking harshing my buzz, being all weird. That is, when they aren’t rendered invisible or as wallpaper by their lack of activity and initiative.

I don’t know, like I said, I could go on and on about stuff I’ve noticed from being at clubs. But that’s one of the main things that I’ve been meaning to get off my chest. I’d be really interested to see what other people have experienced in this same area.