Since I got here, my brother and I have just had one big long running conversation, where we make observations about girls, and dating, and sex, and gender differences and shit like that. I’ve mentioned a few of the topics already, but I wanted to delve into a couple other ones that I think really have something to them.

ONE:

This is one of the stronger ones I’ve noticed. I might refer to it as something like “the two-minute boyfriend-mention.” This occurs with something like 90% (or higher) consistency when you’re talking to girls. Especially girls you don’t know that well, or have just met. In this scenario, you could pretty much say ANYTHING at all to a girl. You could be like “That’s a nice sweater.” Or “Boy, it sure is hot outside today.” Or “What time does the train usually get here.”

Almost without fail, the girl will somehow magically manage to insert some kind of talk about her boyfriend into whatever her response with. Usually it occurs within the first two minutes, if not within the first couple sentences out of her mouth.

“Oh thanks, my boyfriend got me this sweater.”

“Yeah, it’s so hot out - my boyfriend is saving up money to buy an air conditioner.”

Or you will sometimes get the ex-boyfriend variation:

“I’m not sure what time the train gets here. My ex-boyfriend used to take this train all the time.”

It’s totally hilarious. And it’s invariably completely irrelevant to whatever you’re talking about. It seems like its just a knee-jerk reaction for girls to talk about their boyfriends or ex-boyfriends. Whether its to signal to you right away her inavailability, or what-have-you. Or she can only conceive of herself from the perspective of her relationship. Or god knows what. It’s really a mystery to me, since I’m not a girl, and guys just straight up don’t do this.

Two great examples of this occurred recently. One, my brother and I were out at a club. He said he accidentally brushed up against a girl, and merely touched her arm with his for a split second. He didn’t even realize that it had happened. But immediately, the girl blurted out: “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend!” And the second one occurred a couple nights ago. We were at a local strip club, and I was talking to this one dancer to find out where in Pittsburgh she had her tattoos done. And within the first two sentences, she mentioned an ex-boyfriend.

TWO:

Girls have boyfriends. That’s just what girls do. It’s a million times more common for a girl to have a boyfriend at any given time, than it is for a guy to have a girlfriend. Guys will go much longer stints without being in a relationship, whereas most girls have back-to-back boyfriends. This ties into two lesser related theories: (A) that it’s easier for girls to get guys, than vice versa, and (B) that girls more often enter relationships out of convenience than guys do. Again, these are all theories, but I’ve been wondering about them, so they seem worth mentioning.

THREE:

Here’s one more broad generalization, which has happened to me many times in the past. Girls will often discuss past relationships which have gone sour with guys they are interested in. Perhaps to just bring up the subject of relationships in general. But we also suspect there is some hidden intention to build some kind of sympathy for the girls.

Guys will do this too, of course, and I’ve seen that. And I’ve done it. Maybe it’s not just limited to once sex. In any event, it seems like this feeling of sympathy for somebody is a terrible way to start a relationship, cause it just sets you up in a whole mess of negative backwards patterns.

There’s a corrolary theory associated with this. Where, in discussing past relationships, girls are much more likely to portray themselves as a victim, and guys are more likely to blame whatever happened on themselves.

FOUR:

When you go out dancing, and encounter a group of girls, there’s always one “wet hen.” This is the girl who, once you are getting down with the other girl(s) in the group, employs a variety of tactics to get them away from you. This may be hand-pulling, or they may whisper something in the girls ear about having to leave, or they may say something outright derogatory about you, as the instigating male. Every group of girls, from just two girls to twenty, will have at least one of these girls in it. Somebody to watch out and make sure that nobody has too much fun, or goes too far in any given situation.

I sort of half wonder if this is some sort of evolutionary strategy to protect the gene pool, by inhibiting sexual response in others. And that when girls go out, there’s always somebody who sort of gets zapped by Mother Nature, or Evolution, or something, and then assumes this role for the entire group, and goes about mercilessly enforcing her strictures upon all group members.

FIVE:

Statistically, if you go out five weeks in a row, here’s the sort of fun you can expect to have:

1 night of utter bottomed-out disappointment
2 nights of absolutely awesome fun
2 nights of mellow mediocrity

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In any event, I’d be happy to hear what other people think about these, as well as being proved effectively wrong on any or all of the above points…