Tonight, I had the misfortune to remember what, to me, has always been the creepiest thing in the whole world. Well, after aliens, that is. Aliens have always scared the shit of me since I was a little kid - like when I imagine a real actual encounter with one of those dudes up close. Fucking terrifying!

Anyway, I’m not talking about aliens here though. Not tonight. What I’d like to talk about is something some of you may remember from Chuck E. Cheese’s: The Pizza Time Players. If you’ve never seen them before, or haven’t seen them in a dog’s age, then check out that link.

Basically, what I’d like you to imagine, or to recall, is a big empty room, slightly darkened, filled with empty tables and benches. The floor is sticky. The air is musty. On the far side of the room are 6 or 7 gigantic animatronic animals. Probably like 9 or 10 feet tall. They are totally worn and tattered and smelly and grimy, and dusty. And they just seem somehow older than dirt. Older than dinosaurs. Older than fishes with legs. Older than the fucking Big Bang.

All of a sudden, the lights come up in this empty room. And these figures start shaking around shabbily, with their joints creaking. A light funneled straight up from hell shines out of the floor, illuminating them in a red haze of pizza smoke. And then this horrid singing starts emanating, from them, from the walls, from everywhere, from nowhere. A huge robotic arm covered in fake musty fur reaches down to grab you… Eyes glowing, mouth flopping open and shut.

Anyway, yeah, that used to fucking freak the living shit out of me as a kid. Damn. Thinking about them still gives me the willies. But then, I suppose I should elaborate… I was also really freaked out by A.L.F., and by very large puppets in general. Sad but true. I still really really intensely dislike being around them.