I like this whole thing I’ve been seeing in tv’s Smallville lately, where a young Clark Kent is struggling to figure out who he’s supposed to be. Because all these different people have different ideas about him and about what they’d like to see him do with his life. His father, Jor-El, had some kind of plans of him becoming the conqueror of Earth. The Kiwatchee Indians believe he is some kind of mystical savior figure. His parents just want to see him happy and loved. And all he wants is to be what he is. Whatever that is. A dude who can shoot fire out of his eyes and run around all fast and stuff.

And this old Indian dude tells him that bad things happen to people who deny their destiny. And there’s the whole on-going struggle with the spirit of Jor-El trying to coerce him into fulfilling his expectations about conquering the Earth. And all these bad things happen to him and his family because he’s always resisting what his father wants, and trying to carve his own way.

My brother said the other day while we were walking around Montreal that to have the kind of intelligence that I do is a gift. And that I shouldn’t waste it. I winced at the suggestion that what I’m doing now is wasting my gifts. Quite to the contrary, I think. Although, there is some nagging question about what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. My brother has this big fancy idea that I should cash in all my chips and try to go back to school. But not just any school, someplace like Oxford or Harvard or Yale.

In one sense that seems like a really big, bold and intelligent plan. I’ve got the “skillz” so to speak, so why do anything but shoot for the top? But the top of what? That’s my biggest question. What are those places really the top of? Social acceptance, academic credibility and a sort of free pass. Which is all extremely valuable. But I look around at their websites, and read up on their faculty, courses, degree programs and I’m just not impressed. Or is it not interested? I’m usually only impressed by things which I’m interested in, so I guess it works both ways.

My brother and other people have suggested that a really good professor could be a huge asset in my development of whatever it is that I’m developing. Of course that’s true. But good teachers don’t just fall out of the sky. Actually, they sort of do… Most of the best ones I’ve had, I’ve only come upon them quite accidentally, without ever meaning to. A really big part of me believes that’s the best course for the future as well, to let events occur as they will, and to fit into them however they fall. But then there’s this other side of me that wonders if that side isn’t just making excuses for laziness. That side of me also thinks that if I were to really go out there and pour all of my effort into succeeding, then I could really make it to the top.

“The top of what?” is still the question. The definition of succeeding is what I’m looking for here. Basically, I guess you could say I’m looking for a goal, or some kind of motivation. My motivation on a day-by-day basis is purely fueled by my interest and my appetite to learn new things, make new connections, and to build. And this has served me very well up until now. Especially in this past year where I have gone and given myself this flexible playful structure to run around in, in the form of this website, and this whole little game of calling myself an occult investigator.

I’ve thought before about this whole idea, of becoming or being an occult investigator is sort of the equivalent of wishing for more wishes. Like when you release a genie from a lamp, and they grant you three wishes. The loophole you always heard as a kid was just to ask for more wishes, and then just keep doing that ad infinitum. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. Always has. “Occult Investigator” is a nice little label which allows me to do the same thing intellectually and creatively.

I’m not convinced I would be able to find any academic setting which would offer me the kind of flexibility and playful spirit of discovery that I’ve found I really thrive on. Even the best academic environments are extremely structured, with lots of base curriculums, and the eternal drive to push people into established fields of specialization. I’m not saying it’s an impossibility to find a university environment and a professor that might support me and my approach, but I do think it’s extremely difficult. And I don’t know how to go about finding this mythical land. Nor am I really sure that I want to.

Right now, as I can see it, the biggest arguments for going back to school are: (1) getting a degree would help me get certain kinds of jobs; (2) I could meet some people who are either, a) cool, b) good connections c) combinations of both; (3) I have some sort of vague idea that getting a degree and making connections will make it easier for me to break into semi-big-time publishing. Which I very much want to do. All possible futures which I currently envision for myself include me writing feverishly, and attempting to publish all sorts of books, from strange novels, to warped children’s books, to metaphysical/psychological treatises on how stories work and how people use them to live their lives. Maybe college could help speed me towards that goal. But on the other hand, maybe it would serve to offer me a lot of distractions and cloud me with a lot of academia and jargon which I’m now able to nimbly avoid, operating on my own as a free agent.

The other major argument for me is that life is its own school, and teachers come in all shapes and sizes. If it’s really a matter of putting myself into the right circumstances and gathering the right people around me, then looking at universities is thinking too narrowly. Maybe the best thing I really can do is travel and explore and expand into whatever spaces that draw my interest. You can’t always choose what lessons you’ll learn and how well you’ll learn them. All you can do is put yourself into positions which will allow for them to unfold. I guess the idea is that school is a structured way for you to do just that. But, just one of many ways, in the end, I think.

So, what would Superman do? I never liked the Superman character before I started watching Smallville. I guess I always thought he was too omniscient to be really interesting. But the true message of Superman, I think, is that we’re only really limited by ourselves in the end. And I never appreciated this whole theme of young Clark Kent trying to figure out which way his future lies until very recently, when such things have been weighing on my mind. I feel like it’s nearing time for me to make another bold new step. I just am not really sure what that is. Other people have their ideas about what I should do, and there is both value and temptation in them, but so far no real gut instinct for me to follow them. And that’s what I’ve come to rely on now, is following that intuition. Because, when you list to your instincts, even if you’re proven wrong, you never compromise yourself. And at the end of the day, that’s all anybody’s really got. Well, that and heat & x-ray vision and bullet-proof skin and the ability to fly. Okay, so I forgot about those. Does intuition count as a superpower? Cause goddamn, it really should.