Now, sometimes I might fly off the handle, but generally I try to give fundamentalist Christians the benefit of the doubt about what they’re up to. I recognize that there are plenty of good people out there with good intentions and actions. But then I turn around and watch some CBN, and it all just goes straight to hell.

My most recent discovery is Jack Van Impe Ministries. He has this delightful DVD you can order for $24.95 called Final World Government When? NOW! And it’s all about biblical prophecy and the New World Order, and a bunch of down-home kooky moonshine-fueld conspiracy nonsense. And his wife, Rexella, goes on and on in this sickening tone about how nice it is to “come into your home and deliver God’s message” each week.

It’s like, HEY! GUESS WHAT! GOD’S MESSAGE DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, THE ILLUMINATI, THE UNITED NATIONS OR ANY SECRET BULLSHIT PLANS YOU MAY HAVE TO INSTIGATE NUCLEAR ARMAGGEDON IN THE MIDDLE EAST VIA GEORGE W. BUSH!

And then there’s this other weird dude I saw, named Sid Roth, who is supposed to be a “Jew for Jesus,” who refers to himself as “the Mentor of the Supernatural.” Which makes no sense grammatically, in the first place. Unless he said YOUR mentor to the supernatural. But he doesn’t. He says THE. Which means HE is the person in charge of guiding the supernatural forces that exist in the universe. But wait a second. I thought fundy xtians are ordinarily adamantly opposed to ideas like the supernatural, because they are demonic. This makes no sense.

That is, until you look at this dude’s website, where it actually says that Sid Roth “has a hunger for souls“. It actually says that. That he has a “hunger for souls.”

Am I just crazy, or what? None of this makes any sense to me. How long do you think it will be before some creepy fucked up fundamentalist Christian leaders publicly reveal that they aren’t Christians at all, but are instead Tentacled Intergalactic Terror-Beasts from Beyond the Grave. I actually think that it will happen within the next year, once W. is safely “re-elected.” We will finally get to see them shed their withered cross-gripping human husks and unveil their multiple fire-breathing sphincters for all the world to tremble before as our souls are collectively devoured.

I for one, can’t wait. I mean, I’m not really doing anything with my soul, I may as well let those assholes satiate themselves with it. Right?