the timboucher experience

I really am in love with the mentally-challenged articles which appear to me daily in droves on MSN, while I’m checking my email. Today’s subject is an article entitled: “10 Tips for Coping With a Job You Hate”

I want to go into this in a bit more detail, but first I want to point out that they never even come close to mentioning the single most obvious, right there in front of you, slap-yourself-in-the-face-for-not-thinking-of-it type tip of them all:

QUIT THAT FUCKING JOB!

It’s really so simple. But, people make life out to be this big gigantic complicated mess, where all these little tiny nagging piece of shit details end up tying you down and preventing you from ever changing or doing what you want. It’s like in Gulliver’s Travels, where he ends up on that tiny island, with all those little dudes, the Lilliputians, and he falls asleep, and they end up staking him to the ground. In actuality, all he had to do was wake up, and start squashing those little motherfuckers left and right.

Same thing with life. You just gotta sit up and realize, “Hey, I’ve fallen asleep. Time to wake up and start stomping on all those little asshole reasons who I was letting tie me up for no reason.” It’s really as simple as making that decision to change, and then doing it and doing it every damn day until you’ve got it.

Instead, here are some of MSN’s tips about how to “cope with a job you hate,” (ie, condemn yourself to a life of slavery)

1. Give yourself “me time” before work.
2. Treat yourself to a latte, get up early enough to read the paper, or just set your alarm to play upbeat music when you wake up.
3. Take in a tropical picture and use it as your screensaver.
4. Buy yourself a “joke of the day” desk calendar.
5. Pick up a management development book and read it at lunch.
6. Treat yourself to ice cream.
7. Shop for a new interview suit.
8. Plan your next vacation.
9. Realize that this too shall pass

Fucking brilliant. And those are just a few of them. A joke of the day desk calendar is a SUREFIRE way to keep yourself from realizing that you’ve made a lot of bad decisions and your life is quietly ebbing away. Using a tropical picture as your screensaver and eating ice cream is DEFINITELY going to help you figure out just what it is you really want out of life, and how to go out there and tackle it.

I mean, fucking christ. This article may as well include tips like:

1. Buy a blue-haired troll doll and a witty Dilbert mug to show your tasteful politically correct corporate sense of humor
2. Volunteer to take an enormous pay cut so the boss’s son can afford to go on vacation on the company dime
3. Grease yourself up real good and see how far up your manager’s ass you can slide (for extra fun, try getting your whole body up there!)
4. Treat your boss to a no-strings-attached oral sex session
5. Ask your doctor for an extra-strength prescription of anti-depressants, so you’ll be so doped up that nothing will ever affect you again
6. Find a nice length of extension cord, loop it around a light fixture and hang yourself in your office (if possible, try to do this as part of an auto-erotic asphyxiation scheme, so you die with your pants down and your dick blue & hard)
7. Put together a time-capsule which contains a photo of you in your cell (I mean cubicle, sorry) and also contains the last shreds of your human decency, self-respect and unfulfilled dreams, so that the person who replaces you might have the strength to do what you did not.

Wake the fuck up Gulliver; we’ve got Lilliputians to squash.

• Don’t quit your day job, jerk!
• What you can’t imagine, you can’t see.
• The New Adolescence
• Occult Investigator’s Greatest Hits
• Forever and ever and ever