the timboucher experience

I write a lot. Fine. It’s all well and good on this website, and I have a blast doing whatever it is that I do. But I’m trying to put together a book. And goddamn was I not prepared for how hard that would be. I’ve tried being methodical, I’ve tried going in bursts. And it’s all the same. Absolutely torturously hard work mixed with self-doubt, anxiety and out-and-out panic at times. It’s rather lovely. I wish I could just stop. But I find myself in the peculiar situation of being unable to back out, because I know I’m onto something. More importantly, I know I’ll be the biggest loser in the universe if I shit the bed now, when I have all this free time and opportunity to write. I’ll be so pissed off at myself if I don’t do it now. But that’s not what drives me, the fear of being mad at myself. I got over that kind of shit a while back. So I don’t know what the answer is, just try to muscle through it I guess.

I think the reason that big creative undertakings can be so fucking torturous like this is that you’re not just writing something, or making something. You’re rewriting and remaking yourself somehow, and your conception of yourself, and what you’re capable of. If this was just about writing, then fine. KABLAM! I can pound out 10,000 words on any kind of shit at the drop of a hat. Instead this is about programming, reprogramming and deprogramming myself to function at some level beyond this level.

Blog writing does not prepare you for book writing I discovered. I mean, it does in a way, but i’t like this other thing. This totally conversational thing where I can be all… like… you know, and it doesn’t matter. But to have to sit down and string together big ideas which not only make sense, but which are interesting, and which could actually be useful to somebody, and are like structured all together in a coherent way… well Jesus. It’s really monumental.

Last night my friend told me about how he had a dream where C3P0 and R2D2 appeared and they had been sent to help him. Little magical robotic assistants. He said that he gave C3P0 the finger, because he thought it would be funny. It was, but then C3P0 got all offended and ran off, and he had to go chase him down and apologize. But then the dream ended before he had a chance for the two robots to help him do whatever it was he was gonna do. I guess I’m sort of in a similar situation right now creatively. Except I don’t think I’ve had any visits from C3P0, and if I did, it was probably him who gave me the finger and then ran off laughing.

• Sloppy Joe’s
• The Self and the World
• Long lists of nouns
• What I’ve learned so far about writing
• Baboons & the Old Testament