Man, I just can’t get enough of the mentally crippled articles that MSN advertises when I am checking my Hotmail. The latest one I clicked on was title “How to pimp your cube.” It’s almost as good as that one about how to deal with a job you hate.

Like who in the motherfuck writes these articles? They come off like they are written by a sad robot with an electronic frowny face that is trying to make the best of their shit ass job and horribly painfully predictable lackluster life. Before I launch into the article itself though, I’d just like to ask the question: when did it become “cool” to refer to cubicles as “cubes”? Like where did that start? It seems like it was in the past six months or so. But I haven’t had a real job in god knows how long, so maybe this was around all along, but I was just never exposed to the utter hipness that is a “cube.” I mean, my problem with the term is that people shouldn’t try to polish a turd. Why not get down to business and call it what it is: a “slave box”? Or what about “cage”? How’s that for a young fresh hip take on corporate culture? Don’t you just feel more proactive already?

1. Their first tip is actually a good one, even though they say it all backwards. They call it finding a “power position,” but I call it being able to see the door. You don’t want to be surprised by somebody sneaking up behind you while you are busy looking at porno, or sending uproarious emails to your fellow cube-buddies. The best day I ever had at my old job was when Doug and I turned our desks around so nobody could see what we were really doing on our computers: Nothing!
2. Then they spiral into the wasteland of recommending that you buy some “fun, funky and functional organizing accessories,” and find one which “fits your personality.” Let’s get serious here for a second. Noone’s personality should ever match a functional organizing accessory. If it does, well you need to do a lot fucking more than “pimp your cube.” They do offer this sage piece of advice to go along with that though:
   The key is to look busy, capable and in control.

   Right, exactly. To look busy, capable or in control. That way you don’t actually have to do anything. A good trick I used to always use was to be typing furiously when anyone walked by. Another trick in that vein is that when a superior asks you what you’re doing, you flood them with so many minute details that they can’t keep up, and back away slowly towards the exit.

3. Blah blah, something about adding plants and lighting, obvious and retarded… Ah, here we go, jackpot. They recommend such retarded ideas as:
   1. Trompe l’oeil art prints to give you the illusion of being outside (don’t bother actually going outside, or course)
   2. Don’t bring in stuffed animals (because you don’t want your coworkers to know what kind of creepy weirdo you really are)
   3. Don’t bring in anything that would cause others discomfort (so the photos you took of your latest murder/rape session are probably out)
   4. Bring in photos of you and your family and friends, but not of you drinking or being “intimate” (in other words, keep any personality statements totally bland)
   5. POTPOURRI!

   And there you have it! Your horrible unbearable work situation and life are now completely solved through the magic of scented fucking little bowls of whatever the fuck potpourri is made of.

Anyway, they say anybody can complain right? But if you want to really be productive, you have to offer people viable alternative salutions. So why don’t we put together a list of some other things you could do to “pimp your cube.”

1. Paint a racing stripe across the walls of your cube. Replace your office chair with a “racing seat.” Strap in and “feel the G’s”! For extra cool points, wear sunglasses to work!
2. Bring an actual pimp to work with you. If possible, hire him out as a subcontractor for your department. If you can find one, get a couple jewel-encrusted chalices (a la rapper Little John) so that you guys can drink “crunk juice” all day long! But make sure it’s okay with your boss first!
3. Instead of walls around your cubicle, try bars! Remove all the furniture and put down a pile of straw in the corner to sleep on. Tear your clothes into tatters, and cover your face with filth. Find a bucket to collect your feces in. A garbage can may even be pressed into service in a pinch. A pet rat can really help liven up your new work space!