Those of you who know my site pretty well know that I’m well-versed in the fine and immortal art of calling people out on complete bullshit. These past few days though, I’ve been operating under the principles of the Jubilee, which means I’ve really been holding my tongue while a few people come on here and fill my website up with stupid shit. Thankfully, the good seems to heavily out-weigh, out-number, and generally out-smart the bad. So it’s been sort of entertaining seeing you all rip each other to shreds. You’re doing some great work out there, and you know who you are.

To the rest, to the beggars and hangers-on, I’m still glad you’re here. I know it takes a lot to sit down and actively challenge your beliefs by reading through the nonsense that I must seem to write to you. I appreciate whatever time and effort you’ve put into that, and only hope that I’ve given you perhaps a new idea or feeling or two, and that you’ll go out and make positive use of it.

Now that all the hand-holding crap is out of the way though, I picked one person who I would like to slay for being a complete and utter moron, and just not even reading what I wrote. This person and this person alone is not welcome back on my site. Our friend writes:

I was wondering before you debunk Malachy’s Papal Prophecies, did you happen to catch the name of the pope that was elected on Tuesday? I was just curious because it seems to have been dead on. I was also wondering about whether or not you have a personal relationship with Christ or not.

Hm, debunk Malachy’s prophecies… I suppose you are refering to my post “Fulfilling Forged Prophecies” or the post on which that was based. I invite you to go back and read them again. I was in fact not debunking them, but I was pointing out the logic behind why other people with more historical knowledge on the matter than I have attempted to debunk them.

If you go back and look again, you will find this passage:

I follow the creed laid out by Jacques Vallee with regard to the investigation of weird phenomena: that your responsibility is first and foremost to look at how real people are affected by this, rather than worry about whether it is objectively provable. What I mean by that is whether or not it’s a hoax doesn’t matter to me.

Pretty clear, right? I don’t give two shits, right? The people in our lives are more important than prophecies, whether they are real, fake, or if somebody fished them out of a public toilet bowl in God’s bathroom. Doesn’t Jesus himself say, right in Matthew 25:40…

Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, that you do unto Me.

He doesn’t say, “Whatsoever you do unto the least of my prophecies…” Because he knew that was bullshit. That whole passage is about how people are important, not dumb old magical predictions. I mean, shit, even in the Old Testament, you have warnings right there about trying to predict the future. Check it out in Deuteronomy 18:10-11…

Let no one be found among you who … practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, / or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.

Also pretty fucking clear-cut, is it not? And if we jump back into Jesus’ own words in Matthew 24:36, he’s talking about how the end of the world is coming, but nobody can ever know when:

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

Both the Old and New Testament generally take a pretty strong and harsh view against people trying to predict the future, especially when it comes to the end of the world. Even Exodus 22:18 proclaims “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.”

I know all you out there are screaming: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS? That whole thing is just a prophecy! And you know what? You’re exactly right. It’s a prophecy, and not a prediction. In the historical tradition of Christianity and Judaism, prophets were seen as social commentators. They revealed God’s will by reframing current events in the context of a fanciful story. By doing this, people can get mentally and emotionally “unstuck” from their problems, and see them in a slightly more objective way.

The always-excellent Fantastic Planet has a worthwhile post on the subject of prophecy vs. divination. In it, he says:

Prophecy, on the other hand, is pattern analysis based on experience of the God, more like social commentary than prediction of future events. Prophets were there to express the Will of the Divine concerning current events. If they could “see the future,” it wasn’t because they were shown glimpses of it, it was because they could read societal patterns and project their potential resultants.

Don’t believe him or me? Go back and read the Bible! And before you answer, don’t give me that stupid one-liner “Even Satan can quote scripture” (incidentally based on Matthew 4:6, ha!) because any time a Christian says that, it means they themselves are actually unable or unwilling to actually look at and think about what Scripture really says and means.

But anyway, back to our friend who started this whole shebang. You were concerned that I didn’t “believe” the prophecy based on the post you read. Well did you read any other of my several posts on the topic? Obviously not, because in them, I presented rather different views, as I’m interested in observing problems from many sides, rather than sticking in my own comfortable little box o’ belief all the time.

Back to the original letter itself:

[…] did you happen to catch the name of the pope that was elected on Tuesday?

Obviously, I did indeed “catch” the name of the new pope. Don’t be a dumbass. His name was… wait, what was his name again?

I was just curious because it seems to have been dead on.

Okay, so let me get the facts straight here. A prophecy (which is not canonical, and which according to Christian and Jewish tradition does not predict the future so much as reframe events of the time for social commentary) which was probably forged 400 years after the fact for political purposes, was suddenly logically proven because an order of monks much later put out another prophecy (probably to boost themselves politically) which said this next pope would come from their order. And now this next pope has not come from their order at all, but merely happened to have used the name of 15 other popes, and several saints, one of which founded their order.

Oh my god! You’re right! The prophecy WAS dead on. Freaky…. somebody hold me, I’m scared!

I was also wondering about whether or not you have a personal relationship with Christ or not.

Guess what, motherfucker! I’m wondering that about YOU now, but I’m not the kind of asshole (like you) to write to somebody personally and try to push my beliefs on them, when I’m not even close to sure how they all work myself. Secondly, and I’ve said this before, nobody should try to presume or suggest that they know what the status of somebody else’s soul is in relation to God. I know I do it from time to time with some of the authoritarian assholes that I analyze, but at the end of the day, I don’t give a fuck. That shit’s between them and God or Satan or Bill Gates or Fred Flinstone or whoever the hell they believe in. It’s not for you to know.

Whew! In any event, thanks for letting me vent. In a way, I feel bad for unleashing all the pent up annoyance of many stupid people onto this one poor son of a bitch scapegoat. He probably had no idea what he was in for. But hey, God works in mysterious ways, right?

bible, pope, prophecy