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Intentional Burnout
Eric left an excellent comment on my article about “reverse-engineering“:
I cooked my brain doing this kind of thinking a few months ago, and got totally burned out on everything. I can’t say if that’ll happen to you, but if it does, I recommend you stop thinking and climb some trees.
Weirdly enough, I think that’s exactly what I’m after: to force a crisis on purpose. I’m not sure how I got started on it, or where it’s going, but it feels like I’m on a good track right now. Not taking myself too seriously, and trying to use what I know to systematically dismantle what I know. The best explanation I can give would come from Philip K. Dick whose work I think is a great example of this - of the universe that turns in on itself and basically breaks there’s nothing left but the person. From one of his all-time best essays, and the one which got me into his work:
It is my job to create universes, as the basis of one novel after another. And I have to build them in such a way that they do not fall apart two days later. Or at least that is what my editors hope. However, I will reveal a secret to you: I like to build universes which do fall apart. I like to see them come unglued, and I like to see how the characters in the novels cope with this problem. I have a secret love of chaos. There should be more of it. Do not believe—and I am dead serious when I say this—do not assume that order and stability are always good, in a society or in a universe. The old, the ossified, must always give way to new life and the birth of new things. Before the new things can be born the old must perish. This is a dangerous realization, because it tells us that we must eventually part with much of what is familiar to us. And that hurts. But that is part of the script of life. Unless we can psychologically accommodate change, we ourselves begin to die, inwardly. What I am saying is that objects, customs, habits, and ways of life must perish so that the authentic human being can live. And it is the authentic human being who matters most, the viable, elastic organism which can bounce back, absorb, and deal with the new.
I’ve been working on this site and these ideas for a solid two years now. I worked really hard to build this. And I love where I’m at and what I’m doing and all the people that are coming together to share and build more with their own experiences. I guess I’m trying to make sure I don’t get too enamored with my own ideas and turn into a sort of caricature of what I was originally looking for, endlessly parroting the same old lines. To borrow from my earlier discussion of tulpas, it seems like you can do this thing with your thoughts where you give them so much energy that they not only become manifest, but take on a life of their own. And at a certain point when they start to get away from you and where you’re really at, you’re forced to make a choice. Go along with them, follow them because you put so much work into building them. Or start over. Let some wander off to find new owners, kill the other ones. See if there are any that still make sense, and figure out what happens next. That’s the route I’m taking.
- Prev: Reality as Meaning
- Next: Endless Shells
July 3rd, 2005 at 3:27 pm
Back in 1998 or so I got on this huge kick where I was reading a lot of speculative physics, trying to figure out the origins and destiny of the universe.
A lot of the debate hinged around whether the universe was open or closed. If it was open then it was produced by a big bang and would expand forever, at least until it ran out of juice and succumbed to heat death
If it was closed then the big bang could have been preceded by a big crunch, the universe could be big banging and big crunching over and over like a bouncing ball.
I drove myself INSANE trying to understand this stuff. I thought if I only I could get some kind of definitive answer, then I could relax.
I eventually abandoned the project when the news cam out that the universe is 13-14 billion years old and likely to continue to expand at an accelerating pace. OK then its settled I thought.
A few years later, the Brane theory became very popular, and the possibility of an oscillating universe was reintroduced.
I almost killed myself trying to understand something that physicists themselves are constantly revising and updating and bouncing back and forth and which changes every few years or so. I don’t know why I thought I could figure out something that they couldn’t but I did.
Thanks for your feedback about “serving” an idea the other day BTW, that was helpful.
July 3rd, 2005 at 3:32 pm
I guess I’m trying to make sure I don’t get too enamored with my own ideas and turn into a sort of caricature of what I was originally looking for, endlessly parroting the same old lines.
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LOL, I hear that. I actually was thinking of killing off the “Rev Illumaintus Maximus” persona for that reason. It had too many associations I wasn’t happy with. So I’d pick another, like “Professor Frottage” or something.
But by shortening it to “Rev Max” and dropping the more stunted and obnoxious aspects of my online “fiction suit” I have been able to hang on to it anyway.
Dropping the imposture that the GFN (my site) was some kind of anonymous collective was helpful too. That idea served a purpose once but it definitely outlived it. For one thing if you present yourself as someone who has all the answers, a s the spokesperon for the idea, then you don’t get to exchange ideas or ask questions.
I couldn’t do those things before, but now I can. Its been like lifting a HUGE weight from my shoulders.
July 3rd, 2005 at 3:37 pm
Yeah, having some of the necessary mathematical training, I actually tried to develop some of my own theories of physics and consciousness. But it turned out to be too much work for the derived benefit. It’s not where I’m at. I’d rather be having real experiences than trying to mathematically describe others’ experience. It’s about people and beings, not abstract concepts.
July 3rd, 2005 at 4:00 pm
i think when you acknowledge the life within an idea, that’s somehow like stoking the fire. like you become receptive to the idea and so the idea becomes receptive to you, it opens itself to you and shows you all an infinite number of amusing and exciting and important things that also support and sustain the idea. i guess i’m talking about memes or whatever, but yeah it seems like the ideas can get pretty hungry themselves, and if you’re not careful, the idea might eat you. i’ve definitely been eaten by ideas before, and it’s weird to look back on.
to me the cassiopaeans (just to pick on them for a minute) are a great example of the out-of-controlness of an idea.. in their case the souled vs. soulless thing, which i think has very destructive potential.
i’ve found that what works best for me is to pass THROUGH ideas and to allow ideas to pass through me in turn. i try not to “internalize” the information too much, if that makes sense.. i think information spoils when you force it into some kind of stasis.
i don’t really have a conclusive point here, but yeah. i guess that IS the point, actually.
July 3rd, 2005 at 4:54 pm
i like the tack you’re taking tim. the way i see it, if you don’t ‘reprogram’ yourself, whether you like it or not, somebody else is gonna do it for you.
July 3rd, 2005 at 5:59 pm
when you are looking into the void, remember that it`s looking back at you.
every now and then i will get a cheap laser pointer and play it up the walls and across the roof so that my cat will chase it a round for a bit. and i`m not surprised to find that the bugger is so persistant that if i stop he`ll go around meowing until i begin again and he`ll go until he`s panting. then he`ll go off and rest until the next time. we all(well, those who are like minded.) go until we can`t go anymore. it`s innate in our makeup. i am like that in a game of soccer.i`ll play 90 minutes and if the next match needs players, i`ll play again. hard work never killed anyone….right before you die, you pass out. you have to take a break,on occasion, though. it doesn`t have to be dramatic. post some humour. some poetry? maybe we can be motivated to try if we see you dare.
July 3rd, 2005 at 6:46 pm
for you alistair-
July 3rd, 2005 at 6:55 pm
we trash about on the hook,
of an uncertainty borne of being born.
yet we mourn the loss of innocence.
we are the freaks who will to control,
to beat the drum upon which we roll.
we swim against the tide and gasp upon the beach,
if we be so lucky as to survive.
and start again tomorrow.
July 4th, 2005 at 7:12 pm
tim boucher wrote:
“i’ve been working on this site and these ideas for a solid two years now. I worked really hard to build this. And I love where I’m at and what I’m doing and all the people that are coming together to share and build more with their own experiences.”
And thanks for continuing to to build. I’ve been reading this journal for several months. this post has finally caused me to respond.
First, this is a great resource, and i appreciate the web of acute observations and counter-observations — the exploration of endlessly related layers of meaning.
Second, the output is prodigous. There’s more food for thought than I can absorb on an average day, actually. But I eventually get around to reading, and the material is almost always right on.
Third, the synergy among Occult Investigator, Fantastic Planet, Rigorous Intuition, and related sites is really going “somewhere” (not sure where, but I’ve never seen anything like this on the Internet). Funny, I came to this dimension of the blogosphere via politics, but once here, have found that this is a lot closer to home than previously read sources.
I think I understand what you mean by “I think that’s exactly what I’m after: to force a crisis on purpose.” As someone wiser than me said (to paraphrase): if you want to increase your knowledge, increase your necessity.
Having said that, I think you can chase your own tail in layers of meaning. Previous studies in philosophy and religious practice have indicated the need to “climb some trees.”
But actually –if anyone asked me– I’d say that the nexus of intellectual and experiential nutrition is where it’s at. The crossroads of being and understanding, if you will. In my case, I can say that extreme experience (intentional or not) can put you in a place of learning a lot, quickly. The only problem I have with pursuing endless layers of meaning is that doing so (alone) can become a hollow intellectual exercise. But then again, I also know that pursuing anything with passion (sorry for the the cliché, can’t find another, more appopriate word) is a legitimate means of forcing crisis, maybe even temporary reconciliation .. and so on, to the next crisis.
Keeping the process alive is where it’s at, imho - sort of “being the knack,” if you’ll pardon the Zen-ism. And this site has contributed significantly in keeping the process alive - thanks.
July 4th, 2005 at 7:53 pm
Thanks ranger. I appreciate the encouragement and need it!
July 7th, 2005 at 1:52 pm
[…] ng. It began (or at least my perception of it began, what passed before I cannot say) with a post where Tim was discussing, and other posters were giving feedback on, the […]