It was recently revealed that Tom Cruise bought his very own sonogram machine so he could “watch” his and Katie Holmes’ new baby as it mutates I mean grows from a spore to maturity. Now, by all accounts, Tom Cruise is a very nice man (heck, he even paid for Scientology tents to be set up at Ground Zero in 9/11… wait, that’s creepy too), but there’s just been so many weird events surrounding him lately that I find it difficult to not try and look beneath the slick surface of his life into the probable sci-fi scenarios he finds himself living in his own mind.

Now, I’ve never heard of sonograms having an official Scientological use, but they do enjoy their religious gadgets, such as the illustrious e-meter, so it only makes sense to speculate within the realm of Scientology’s theology what he might be doing with this device. Here are some possible scenarios:

1. He’s preparing it for celebrity.

   Tom Cruise knows all too well the horrors of being popular - the constant paparazzi problems, people continually picking apart everything you do, etc. Maybe he’s trying to accustom the baby to round the clock media surveillance from before it’s even born.

2. He’s bathing it with vitamins.

   Scientologists believe in something called a “purification rundown” in which they take massive (and possibly unsafe) doses of certain vitamin supplements. Perhaps he has found a way to augment this classic detox technique with the purifying energy of sound waves.

3. He’s watching for body thetans.

   I find this scenario to be the most likely. He’s trying to make sure that no nasty past-life reincarnated souls from the galactic volcano genocide try to cling to the new baby. And really, who could blame him? Presumably, he has some type of ray-gun configured (or the sonogram waves itself) to destroy these beings before they can negatively influence the baby’s reactive mind with enturbulating engrams.

4. He’s awaiting the arrival of the Moonchild.

   Though Scientology claims that Hubbard was only there on secret government orders to break up a notorious “black magick ring,” it’s fairly well-known that L. Ron Hubbard collaborated with Aleister Crowley’s protege and father of modern rocketry, Jack Parsons in what is known as the Babalon Working. It’s unknown whether they were successful or not, but perhaps Tom Cruise has decided to follow in the founder’s arcane footsteps.

5. He’s trying to mutate Katie Holmes’ genetic sequence.

   Maybe there’s something to all the accusations that Katie Holmes was an unwitting recipient of deep-level Scientology brain-washing and mind-control. If that’s true, why stop with simply controlling her mind? Why not find a way to tinker with the very fabric of her existence? Now, I’m not sure if radiation from sonograms can be used to do this, but maybe with some mechanical modifications, Katie Holmes and her spawn could be genetically altered for some darkly sinister purpose.

Or, maybe he’s just a proud father with way too much time and money to lavish on his family. But for some reason, I find that to be the least plausible of all these possible scenarios. What do you think?