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Selling Your Soul to Jesus?
Here’s a bit of speculative mythologizing which will more than likely enrage straight-laced Christians. In 2 Corinthians 11:14, St. Paul warns us that Satan “masquerades as an angel of light.” I guess the idea is that somehow he can mislead people with good intentions down bad pathways. My thought is, if Satan can penetrate into and appear as an agent of the opposition, then why can’t Jesus do the same thing? In other words, is it possible that Jesus could “masquerade as an angel of darkness?”
I imagine the immediate response from Christians will be, “No way, Jose!” And it will be supported by that whole thing where Jesus proclaims, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” The idea that somebody who embodies the Truth would engage in subterfuge is probably of the utmost blasphemy.
Since we’re already treading down the paths of heresy though, let’s keep going, and bring this into the perspective of Universalism. I’ve written elsewhere about what happens to Satan if Hell doesn’t exist, or is merely a sub-domain of Heaven, but we could explore this idea from another angle. If Universalism is “true” then Jesus wants everybody to be saved regardless of whether or not they want to. If that’s the case in our hypothetical theology, then maybe Jesus’ mission to save people becomes more important than the “Truth,” so to speak.
What I mean by that might best be illustrated by way of a little story, a parable if you will:
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Joe Evil wants to rule the world, make a million dollars, bang his hot neighbor, and a bunch of other stuff. Joe Evil tries for a while to make this stuff happen on his own, but fails. One day, Joe Evil is introduced to something called Satanism while reading somebody’s LiveJournal blog. DemonPrincess, the author of this LJ account, explains that if you sell your soul to the Devil, he will give you whatever you want in return.
Joe Evil is a smart businessman, doesn’t much care about his soul, and thinks it’s a fair trade. Joe Evil shuts off his computer, draws a pentagram on the floor (which, incidentally, was once upon a time a sign for the five wounds of Christ on the cross), and begins chanting the words DemonPrincess had posted in her LJ account.
All of sudden, the room goes dark, a strange column of mist materializes, and from it steps an ominous figure in a dark cloak, with his face covered in shadow. Two red eyes gleam out. Joe trembles, and says, “Are you here for my soul?”
“Yes, Joe. I am,” a harsh voice booms out.
“And you’ll give me everything I ever wanted, right?”
“That is correct. Are you ready to proceed?”
“Yes,” Joe says, terrified and excited at once. “Take it. It’s yours.”
The robed figure presents Joe with a contract for the transaction. Joe pricks his finger with a pin and signs his name in his own blood.
“So it’s done, then?” Joe asks, expecting the process to be more painful.
“It is finished!” The robed figure suddenly throws off it’s cloak, and Joe is temporarily blinded by a flash of light. When his eyes adjust, he sees before him a man with long flowing hair and a beard, weaing brilliant white robes.
“Who the hell are you?” Joe exclaims.
“GOTCHA!” Jesus yells out and starts laughing like crazy. “It’s me, Jesus! Man, you shoulda seen the look on your face. Seriously, you were sitting there trying to look all tough, but I could tell you were about to shit yourself. Hilarious. Wait till God hears about this…”
“What the… Hey, gimme back my soul you, motherfucker!”
“Now, that’s no way to talk to the Lord, is it? Anyway, don’t worry. Your soul is in good hands.”
“But, but… we had a deal! What about our contract!”
“Oh, I intend to honor it,” Jesus responds.
“You mean you’ll give me everything I ever wanted?” Joe asks, suspicious.
“Absolutely, beyond your wildest dreams.”
Man, what a great scenario. I bet that would really annoy the crap out of Satanists if something like that happened. If all their rebellion was received only with infinite undying love and compassion. Just imagine the looks on their faces when they found out! Priceless.
It’s weird when you compare Satan & Jesus like this. On the one hand, you’re supposed to give your soul to Jesus, while Satan is willing to give you something in exchange. Different strokes for different folks, maybe?
The other thing is, at Jesus’ death, he is supposed to have descended to hell and thrown down the gates like a conquering general. (See the Harrowing of Hell) It’s a pretty cool story, really, and that much at least is totally legit in mainstream Christian theology. It creates the question though, I think, of did Jesus conquer Hell, Death & Satan just once, or did he do it once and for all? By that I mean, does he conquer every single instance and appearance of Hell, Death & Satan, wherever and whenever they occur, continuously? Such an interpretation makes sense on a gut level - if not an orthodox level.
Anyway, it’s an interesting line of speculation, which you’ll either probably love or hate. Feel free to let your abusive angry-Christian comments fly. I know that Jesus will turn them into hugs and kisses before they ever pierce my skin.
January 4th, 2006 at 3:04 pm
THIS IS AWESOME.
I wholeheartedly support this idea and I’m sure Jesus would, too.
January 4th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Yeah, I feel like Jesus probably has the best sense of humor there ever was.
January 4th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
You’re in big trouble, young man.
SIKE!!! Keep up the good work Tim!
January 4th, 2006 at 3:46 pm
Spoiler alert, for a film that will almost certainly be made, but probably not this decade:
In the final episode of the Narnia series, The Last Battle, there is a guy who serves Aslan’s evil counterpart Tash with honor and valor. A really good guy who serves evil. Aslan claims all honorable actions as serving him regrdless of who’s name they are done in and the guy is saved.
My guess is that there is a hell, but it is only for those who are so composed of (not just filled with) hate for themselves or others that they would find heaven even more objectionable.
January 4th, 2006 at 3:49 pm
Metaphysics (metarhetorics?) of Humor:
Jokes nearly universally involve Revelation. They may lead one down a garden path and then suddenly change direction by developing the idea in an unexpected direction. Puns are like this, and all jokes with explicit punchlines.
A more subtle kind of joke forces the listener to complete the jump themselves; there’s no explicit punchline. Here’s one i saw on a commercial:
[quote]”What’s a four letter word for a woman ending in UNT?”
“AUNT.”
*crossworder pauses, erases his previous answer* “Ohhhhh…”[/quote]
I like that because it forces the audience to do the work. The comedian doesn’t have to swear if he can get the audience swearing in their own heads. They didn’t know they had this word so close to the tip of their tongues… it is a revelation about themselves, and they laugh. When a pompous man is made to look a fool, we all laugh; the illusion of his grandeur has been dispelled.
Jokes are patterned on the great pattern, the only story. A falsehood is willingly bought into, and it is joyous to see it destroyed.
Anyways, Satan and Christos are both metaphysically identified with the Logos. I have not read enough to understand this idea fully (Pike is so boring), but it seems that the lesser self could view the Christ as an enemy; the Christ ultimately undermines, destroys, and supertranscends the old body.
January 4th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
the voluntary nature of soul sacrifice is what gives it any value. if you think you are giving your soul to the devil, but find out you inadvertently gave it to christ, you are still the sinful type that thinks the material worlds value surpasses the spiritual, how could you ever enter heaven with that idea in your head? jesus is such a passive redeemer, waiting patiently for people to come, he leaves the strong arm techniques to the evangelists, who are more like devils trying to convince people that they can trade submission to jesus in return for eternal salvation. its the eternal question, who is the biggest sucker, those who think this is it and you better get while you can, or those who “know” that eternity is just around the corner and amassing wealth and power run contrary to eternal values of selflessness.
“It’s weird when you compare Satan & Jesus like this. On the one hand, you’re supposed to give your soul to Jesus, while Satan is willing to give you something in exchange. Different strokes for different folks, maybe?”
i think the majority think they have traded their souls to jesus to spare them from the fires of hell. not such a different deal. jesus gives you heaven, the devil gives you worldly success, both in exchange for your soul.
January 4th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
An excellent point I that I should have addressed. The only difference for most people is the time element of the gamble: get rich now or get “rich” in heaven later?
January 4th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
But what exactly does Jesus/faux-Satan actually grant Joe Evil? Worldly power, after all?
This question makes me think of another parable, lifted shamelessly in its entirety from Steve Lagavulin:
January 4th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
That’s a great parable and is an excellent complement to the one I crafted above.
January 4th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
Gotta admit, Tim, that’s a great scenario. I have truly never thought about it that way. But in the Bible (and please correct me if I’m mistaken) the closest instance of Satan bargaining for someone’s soul is when he tempts Jesus during his fasting in the desert. Other than that (and possibly Eve and the apple) Satan doesn’t really go collecting for souls in the Good Book. Then again, I haven’t read the entire Bible, and that’s a good thing– all of us here (with a few exceptions) have fully realized private lives to lead that don’t center around studying this stuff non-stop.
I wonder where the idea originates. Maybe it can be found underneath a bridge, alongside the trolls…
January 4th, 2006 at 6:53 pm
I forgot to bring this point up– someone mentioned low IQs in another post and it jarred my memory.
One of the things IQ testers do when testing children is to test their grasp of delayed gratification. They ask the child if they would like some candy. If the child accepts, the tester then asks if they would want the candy now, or an entire bowl/bag of candy after the test.
The ones who waited for the big payoff were supposedly the ones who scored higher on their tests than the ones who wanted the candy right then and there. I don’t know if I agree with that assessment, but it reminds me of the Jesus-Satan-soul thing you’ve brought up.
The ones who want their candy now (instant gratification) make deals with the devil; the ones who want more candy at a later time (delayed gratification) make deals with Jesus.
For the record: when I was asked if I wanted the candy now or later, I refused both and explained that my mother didn’t want me to take candy from strangers.
January 4th, 2006 at 7:22 pm
This is one HELL of a post and its definitely gave me something to contemplate.
Jesus will be knocking at your door tonight with a clawhammer and a can of mace.
January 4th, 2006 at 7:48 pm
Strip away the material and what do i want as a mortal man? To be loved,accepted,to feel special or somehow better than others,to live forever and forgiven of all sins,i want to be part of a community and to have a book of contradictory proverbs so that no man shall question me. If christ is the truth, then the antichrist is the lie. Judge a man not by the word or the god but by his fruits, the rest is illusion. Satan shall burn the earth but if youre evangelical then tell me if the word be of god and she is the devil not to be trusted then was it not youre mother who gave you the ink for youre pen, the tree for youre paper, the cattle for youre hide. If she be the carrier of youre word then without her you have no god. like a moth to the flame, Should i give into temptation, Release the trickster of the soul. That may cure my mortal wanderings, Bite the apple and gain control……for youre instant gratification i now give you youre destiny, you will come with me no matter what. absolute control of destiny.
January 4th, 2006 at 9:46 pm
So if Jesus is going to do that Matt, why again would anybody believe in him? Because he is cruel and we are weak? That’s the reason?
Something tells me there are definitely two flavors of Christianity. One Jesus beats the crap out the other one and the other one takes it because he is a pacifist. So who again, is the real article? Is there no gray area? Is there no room for peace? Or are we all so certain that we will willingly worship a god that is at least, not the god of my adversary?
Christ is not in the disagreement, he is in the agreement between enemies that they shall be enemies no longer. Peace is peace only because peace has been tacitly agreed on. This is the only way to spread the message of Christ. The only route to salvation.
The existence of now is an infinite one. It spreads and broadcasts in all directions away from us, enveloping those and that we keep near. The infinite now, being infinity, to always, infinitely strive for, is one that calls for love. For if love is not present now — unconditional love — than our eternity both now and in the future shall be measured by the amount of regret that shall weigh us into believing further battles neccessary. Jesus Christ says “Right Now!”.
This is it. If there is a Christ who carries a hammer and a can of mace well then fuck him. He’s not my god. I have a better god. Whether or not I have self created this god is of no import. My god is better, because I refuse to do what you and he do. Which is hate. Which is engaging in emotion deleting cruelty. I believe in a Christ that will save me from you and save me from a hate that always must begin and end with me.
Christ or no. My god is now much bigger than yours. My christ would never knock on a door to even frighten someone else with a mask, let alone carrying a clawhammer and a can of mace. Hell, I wouldn’t even do that myself — even to those I do hate. And I hate because I am imperfect. I love because I want to be perfected. Therefore I try not to hate, as Christ would do the same himself.
January 4th, 2006 at 10:49 pm
Oh, I thought Matt was just trying to make a little joke…?
January 5th, 2006 at 2:01 am
I can’t fuckin’ tell anymore. . .
Ho hum. I still like to think my points still stand.
January 5th, 2006 at 11:37 am
Unconditional love, luke 12:10, everyone who speaks against the son of man shall be forgiven. but anyone who blasphemes against the holy spirit shall not be forgiven. i am weak, stupid, ignorant, ithink thoughts i shouldnt think and do things i shouldnt do, i am so imperfect as are we all because of our mortal frame which is our physicall illness. if i came to you like this you would accept me but if i come as a child of spirit you become my enemy. Broad and wide is the path of the many but narrow and thin is the path of the few. if jesus is redemption then you wont find him by looking on the top of mountains or elevating youreself to the angels. You will find jesus waiting in the fire so that you may be forgiven. Im no ones enemy+i dont have a god because there is only one god and power isnt a word he comprehends, only men see power.ps. love ya
January 7th, 2006 at 5:50 am
Well put, Tim.