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Spiritual Bungee Jumping
I am a spiritual bungee-jumper. What I mean by that is that I’m a liar. I like to go on metaphysical thrill-rides where there is little to no threat of actual danger to my sense of self. I like feeling all spooked out and having cool things to ponder, but that’s about it. I like to say I’m looking for the Truth, but what I really mean is that I’m looking for truths which I can use to enhance my life and make me more interesting as a person. It’s not Unconditional Truth At Any Cost that I’m after, because that shit’s just too plain scary.
I’m at least honest enough to face my own cowardice.
I realize that I’m in a nice padded vehicle with lots of straps, safety mechanisms and emergency shut-off switches if things go too far out of control. I’ve done a very good job of constructing it. I can even sell you the design, if you want. It’s weird because I’m proud of it on one level and ashamed at what a faker I am on another. I say I want the truth, but the truth is: I can’t handle the truth. Or at least not all of it. Not all at once anyway… but, see, there go my supporting rationalizations, triggering lines of thought to protect me and my fakery. It’s strong stuff. I rely on it nowadays.
I jump off the bridge, revel in the rush of adrenaline, and then wait for the bungee cord to snap me to safety before I split my skull on the rocks beneath. It’s a pretty neat trick I play on myself. Maybe you play it too. It’s the religious equivalent of extreme sports. You court death and dissolution, but not too closely. You get to look and feel tough by jumping off something high, but you still wear pads and helmets and you still check your gear to make sure you don’t actually die.
But really, what the hell’s so “extreme” or edgy about that? Nothing. Being afraid of death and dissolution is pretty much the same whether you run towards or away from it. The only difference is how hard you try to fool yourself about the fear. I’d like to see some new extreme sports start up where people jump off tall buildings with no gear, let bears or sharks eat them or just plain shoot themselves in the face with shotguns. Take away the safety equipment and the restrictions, and we’ll find out who’s really committed to the Truth and who’s not.
And I know I’m not. I’m just not that committed to the Truth. Not if it means losing everything I have or could have some day. Not if it means jumping into the arms of the Angel of Death, whether literally or figuratively. I like my life. I have friends, family, love, a job, even some recognition. I’m happy wearing my helmets and harnesses to protect all that. I’m just not ready for the Truth that would ultimately destroy me. I’m just not that dedicated. And I’m starting to realize, maybe I never will be. And maybe that’s gonna have to be okay.
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March 8th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Once you have identified the problem to this degree, once the real scope of what we’re up against becomes apparent, is it even possible to turn back?
You aren’t going to forget the problem. THE Problem.
Who can say? In a very real sense, it’s all out of our hands.
I find that if it wants me, it doesn’t hesitate to wake me up. And it doesn’t stop until I face it again.
But it listeth where it will and who can say where it is going?
March 8th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Maybe your ultimate truth is that you should be who you are, with your family, friends loved ones, job, and interests - including writing about interesting stuff for yourself and for others. Who the fuck is to say what ultimate truth is and that even if it existed it wouldn’t be the happiness acheived by the above. I know what u mean about the “scariness” of it all but I think you start out that way but once you’ve read up on enough of this shit, it ain’t soooo scary. I think going down this kind of research path helped me to grow and become a better person. So what could be bad about that? If you are referring to the “truth” about weird sightings of entities or what have you - I think we cannot be too sure of any of that. Even those that claim firsthand and are honest aren’t sure. There is the open mind and the “safe thrill”.
were freaking heroes and avoided some potential disaster. (This is all beyond speculative speculation, for you JFK fans). How the hell would you unravel that kind of thing. You can’t. But if you live a nice life, try to make the area around you pleasant and healthy and build confidence for all, have children, work, retire, happy, healthy, content, with good solid foundation for your offspring to continue the world going in a healthy direction - what more could you ask for as ultimate acheivment of your goals and maybe purpose. And shit dude, we’re all gonna die and find out about the end of this road on our own. That one can’t be avoided - but you may encounter it “scared” if you didn’t make your life and personal peace. If you did, then you will probably just take that end of the road as the logical next step and be happy when it’s time.
We might just be incapable of understanding how that happens if it does. Or we’re missing some piece of information that would help to make it understood.
As for “bad shit” and orchestration / manipulation of events - we cannot close our eyes because it is real. The actual truth or “story” may well be way too complex and multifaceted to ever fully and completely document, understand within context, and might really not point to some terrible reality but just stupid humans, good and bad, mucking there way through this reality we sort of agree on. The history you are aware of frames your own context for interpreting, etc. For example, JFK conspiracy. What if the “fact” was that JFK and crew were the worst fucking thing ever to hit the planet, but had some really great PR people. Maybe the guys who framed Lee H
March 8th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
From Luke 14, Jesus says:
March 8th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
yeah, i think those jesus quotes are a little misunderstood. i think when jesus is talking about ‘giving up’ this stuff, he’s talking about being obsessed with it, clinging to it. check out the commentary to thomas, saying 101
as for me, i’m thinking lately that some of the best advice is found in the gospel of truth:
this is like ‘the gnostic path 101′ for me.
March 8th, 2006 at 2:41 pm
I don’t think you’re a faker. You’re not presenting yourself as some mystic plugging away at enlightenment, or some all-power super-special sorceror or something. Just a guy with genuine curiosity.
As for the quote from Luke, maybe it could just mean: be prepared to give up some things that you have been relying on as a crutch. Anyway, Jesus could be wrong. Or Luke could be wrong about what Jesus said.
Maybe what you’re afraid of is change. And that can feel like death. I have struggled with change a lot lately, so I think I maybe kinda know what I’m talking about (possibly). The ego wants to hold on to what it currently is, as defined in terms of likes/dislikes, automatic behaviors, opinions, beliefs, etc. And it thinks, incorrectly, that when those things are taken away from it, it will die.
Anyway I suspect that when I discover Absolute Ultimate Truth, it will be kind of a “no duh” moment and I’ll probably just laugh a lot. It’ll probably be something like in VALIS when Kevin is like, “Explain my dead cat!” and the little girl says, “Your cat was stupid.”
March 8th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
So I ain’t no Jesus disciple. I know in my heart what I know. I never wanted to be a disicple and why that would be the ultimate truth anyway? By that scripture alone, only the Hell’s Angels or something like that actually would be on the right track… I like JP’s comments as it seems like probably what was intended meaning (translations along into english alone could account for that). I didn’t say you had to have an exec job you’re running around afraid of losing and a big house with all the ornaments and bratty fuckin video kids that you buy lots of shit for to prove your love, and a church you attend for the social standing of it all…you will teach your kids your own values, and if those are aligned with the good messages from the NT or other sources, then it should work out alright. If you were to allow those kids to go into the world and pursue their dreams without trying to hold them back because of your own worries or goals for them, etc - detachment in that sense means a lot more sense than “hate”. Cause really, if that’s what JC meant then he was wrong. And on the flip side - hate towards mother / father - would mean what JP said, hate the system that they bought into. Hate the game, not the playa.
March 8th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
What ultimate truth are you speaking of (you almost sound as if you know what it is, but avoid embracing it). To me, the search for ultimate truth is a never-ending search. I’m not just speaking of Jesus’ “I am the light and the truth and the way.” I’m broadening my scope to encompass all religions and spiritual practices. I do like the concept of spiritual bungee jumping though. Good food for thought.
March 8th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
Metanoia is the Greek work used in the Bible to describe the component necessary to attain salvation. Most biblical translators translate this into the word repentance, but this is not very accurate, not to mention that it ends up leading people into the guilt trap. A much better translation of the word metanoia is the renewal of consciousness.
You don’t have to give up anything. Truth is already inside of you, whether you realize it or not. You are Truth. Yet, we don’t always realize this do we? We imprison ourselves by thinking that we are separate from the Truth, but that is just an illusion. To break through the illusion of separateness, all that is required is to renew our consciousness.
March 8th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Everything we fear to lose is on loan. We cannot keep it, even if we try.
It is, in fact, not our decision to make. The whole of history bears down, forcing consequence after consequence until one realizes that the goal of history has been attained and time ends.
If it desires me to desire it, what choice do I have? It is unconditioned and I am fully conditioned. It is unconditionally real, and I am conditionally real, that is, only under certain conditions, which all lie outside of my influence.
The more deeply we realize this, we begin to approach real Faith.
I swore the only oath I have ever sworn to my wife, I will not abandon her, I will give myself to her. The more I can do this, the more I understand real love, the more I understand real faith: the fact is, I have already lost her, though she is right next to me. There is nothing for it but to accept the fact, and yet to do my best to do right by her.
I’m always pushing Eckhart, but he says that the degree to which we participate in love, truth, reality, honesty, strength, kindness, and all things of that like, the less we are and the nearer we draw to that which is called God, that which our concepts of love, truth, reality, honesty, strength, kindness etc. are reflections of.
March 8th, 2006 at 8:59 pm
All pithy statements aside, that was fine piece of heartfelt writing. Loved it.
Back in Gotham…good to see ya for all of the 52 minutes that it was. I’ll email more later…
March 8th, 2006 at 10:48 pm
Why should your path to the Truth lead you to such an end? It is one vision of what the ultimate Truth is about, not the only one. It’s yours to choose.
Then, I beleive one can always go back. In the sense that you can get to know with your brains, but stop short of physical experiment; it’s always been the distinction between those who study the occult (armchair magicians, tarology etc.) and those who practice the arts (field magicians, taromancy etc.).
Then, for somebody who finds themselves a faker, a coward etc. you put a lot of your ass out there.
Just look at your website; there is soooo much research done in it. You’re down in it big time. And that’s brave enough to have gotten here. Some people can’t peel their eyes off daily life.
And when M moment comes, everybody, even the most experienced of all is shitting in their pants.
Everybody goes through ups, downs, loops etc. Maybe you haven’t nailed down your perfect story-system yet…
March 9th, 2006 at 3:18 am
Maybe I’m missing something but yes, you are admitting you like to find out interesting, different or strange facts since you enjoy it, and, you like to appear interesting to others.
You also I assume have had some odd experiences of a similar quality.
I get that, and that’s truthful in itself.
But, protecting oneself from death and destruction is not the same *thing* as being a phoney, and pretending you are interested in seeking the truth.
Now, perhaps you don’t honestly want to know much about *yourself*,therefore, you feel an inner guilt or embarrassment about appearing to be a “fearless truthseeker”.
That is one thing, and it may change with more maturity, or, as the need arises, which is basically how we humans are.
Ohterwise, while you are amusing, and probably a decent fellow, your description of being a spiritual bungee jumper doesn’t quite add up.
What is even stranger though is the coments and repies people submitted which almost seemed to be discussing something else entirely then your piece.:-)
March 9th, 2006 at 5:21 am
My reaction to your piece…
I think I had to come to terms in a similar way, as a musician, with not being the Kurt Cobain, Hendrix, Biggie type.. the ready to die type. Ive always known I couldnt do that, and had to defend myself from those idealizations in a way. (or just justify my existence to myself in a way, cause, well, society likes a big sizzling shooting star). Taking the long haul, thinking things through, living to come to some more drawn out conclusion makes far less interesting television, so to speak.
I mean, there definitely is something to that, jumping off without the protection, without the bungee cord. You can hear it in the pathos of Cobains voice, the roller coaster of Charlie Parkers sax, BIggies flow– the edge of death is hypnotic, amazing. But there is another type of mastery– the mastery of what makes life bearable, the mastery of what makes it worth it to put that cord on and still enjoy the ride. Its like the counterpoint of Bach (endlessly entertaining), Pynchons prose (or Joyce for that matter), watching Miles Davis reinvent himself time and time again, Dr. Dres slow masterful evolution as opposed to Tupac’s flair out. The world needs both the short game and the long game. The media loves the short game cause it needs no explanation. The long game is for connesieurs (sp?)
March 9th, 2006 at 8:37 am
Wow, thought-provoking post and great discussion.
Tim, it seems like there’s big stuff going on in your head. Thanks for putting it in a form you can share with us.
March 9th, 2006 at 8:48 am
spiritual bungee-jumper? Time for some DMT baby! woohooo!
March 9th, 2006 at 11:35 am
Maybe you should attend a Sunday Catholic Mass in Seattle. At heart I consider myself nothing but I still attend Catholic mass. I often find myself feeling meditative and closer to Jesus during and after the mass.
March 9th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
I dunno. It seems to me that you’re assuming there is only one way to go and I’m not so sure that there is. Probably the only real path there is is the one that unfolds beneath your feet. As for all the rest, who knows? Every path has its challenges and you probably can’t reliably predict what you’re capable of doing until it’s been good and done.
March 9th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
i don’t get it . . . it seems to me like you’re pretty content with your decisions. maybe it’s just me, but i don’t see anything in your post that indicates you’re looking for help, advice, etc. seems like all you’re saying is you’re just doing whatever you’re doing, ‘quest for truth’ or no ‘quest for truth.’
fuck all that shit– you don’t need pithy advice or analysis or sympathy or anything. just keep doing what you’re doing is all.
March 9th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
Yeah I never asked for advice or sympathy. I don’t think any spotted that last line about how “maybe that’s gonna have to be okay.”
March 9th, 2006 at 7:30 pm
I don’t know dude– you can say that all you want, but there is a definite tone of searching, rationalization, and uncertainty in your post, all qualities which elicit a natural human sympathy. Hell, any personal aknowledgement of embracing certain general or idiosyncratic limitations is sure to elicit at least a ‘yeah this is how i deal with this problem, etc’ or some such comiseration.
March 10th, 2006 at 6:51 am
Answers to questions are always framed by the nature of the question.(aristotle). We create catigories and a web to provide corrospondances. While our ordering of catigories may point towards the Absolute, they can never express the Absolute. Forms meadiate between ourselves and the Absolute So anyway you can relax as you will never experience the Absolute directly.
We can however do much better at creating a new map for organizing our catigories.
You Tim, and most posters here are doing admerable work towards these ends.
March 10th, 2006 at 8:55 am
Tim, this post of yours seems almost exactly how I feel about myself. I have also dabbled in mysticism and read a lot without really committing in any deep way. It’s just one more thing for me to feel guilty about. Even now I wonder if I should be meditating instead of posting to your blog.
I figure it’s all just a matter of trying to be a good person. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who feels this way.