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Dating Conspiracy



Awesome item from the Onion, which I discovered courtesy of James:

Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He’s Single

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In light of a broken engagement two years ago, area school-bus driver and longtime conspiracy enthusiast Robert Ericsson outlined an intricate theory to reporters Tuesday to explain his failure to begin a new relationship.

“I am alone today due to the covert machinations of dozens, possibly hundreds of women in several countries,” Ericsson, 38, said. “What we are looking at is a plot of epic proportions, which may seem counterintuitive, but that is, in fact, precisely what they would like you to believe.”

Ericsson said he began to suspect a “hidden hand” at work during the months following his 2004 breakup with then-fiancée Sara Osborne, when potential dates routinely refused to return his calls or e-mails.

Ericsson cites a comprehensive archive of past-girlfriend-related historical evidence that he has collected over the past 10 years. Ericsson, considered the top Robert Ericsson romantic-failure expert in the country, has spent years studying the hundreds of letters, photographs, receipts, gifts, and videotapes of himself with former girlfriends, looking for a common pattern.

Usually I get bored of articles from The Onion after the headline, but this one is pretty much a dead-on portrayal of conspiracy thinking at its funniest. Nice work. Definitely read the rest!

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7 Reader Responses

  1. EarthmanXoshaRosp Says:
    March 21st, 2006 at 12:19 pm

    …I’ve never been much for ragging on a guys physical appearance, but in this case - I’d suggest that the fact that everything in this guy’s photo says he’s a creep might go a long way to explaining why chicks have left him, and why no new ones will date him.

    I’m sorry, but the mullet, combined with the balding-ness in the fron, is an immediate warning sign, and the menacing-nerd stare doesn’t help. Add in the fact that he’s retentive enough to document every date he’s ever been on and analyse frame-by-frame videos of places he’s been with dates. Seems to me he’s just an obsessive, creepy guy unable to accept his own failures. Looking to blame the girls when he scares them off is pretty haywaire, but demanding an Ex-fiancee’s phone records to check for outside interference is just off the charts in wierdness.

    Guy needs to connect to reality (and a hairdresser) a little more often…

  2. Tim Boucher Says:
    March 21st, 2006 at 12:33 pm

    Wait, you understand this news story was just a joke right? It’s not a real story - it’s the damn Onion! It’s a fake paper

  3. alistair Says:
    March 21st, 2006 at 6:14 pm

    coulda happened……..

  4. channel null Says:
    March 22nd, 2006 at 12:16 am

    see, this is what i mean by marketing being evil.

  5. Tim Boucher Says:
    March 22nd, 2006 at 12:30 am

    What do you mean?

  6. Kylark Says:
    March 22nd, 2006 at 12:49 am

    Yeah, Null, what do you mean?

  7. james Says:
    March 22nd, 2006 at 7:38 pm

    Null, do you mean that marketing is evil because of its potential to rope people in, no matter how absurd the selling point?



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