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Test Your Jesus DNA
Just like we predicted, somebody is offering a test to see whether or not you are a descendent of Jesus and Mary Magdalene over at TheTrueJesus.org. (Thanks to JM for sending me this!)
Unlike “traditional” or “scientific” DNA tests though, this one uses the magical power of sound waves blasted over the internet through a streaming audio file. You listen to a four or five minute spiel by a guy who talks like a hypnotist and then at the very end, he does a final test to determine if you are truly a “99th generation descendent” of Jesus and MM.
You know you want to find out if you are, so go ahead. Listen to the file here, feel the vibrations and then come back and read the rest.
SERIOUSLY! Go do it before you come back and read anybody else’s experiences.
Okay. Are you done?
Good.
Let’s go.
So, according to this little test, I personally did experience the left-right brain sensations described by the guy, which according to him indicates that I’m of the bloodline. What I want to know (besides what they would try to sell me if I emailed them) is how many people who take this test do not experience that sensation. Anybody?
My other question is, why did I or anybody else experience the left-right sensation he describes? Is it just a simple matter of suggestion? Would I have felt it if he didn’t come right out and say it? Or is my being consciously aware of that shift integral for me to feel it in the first place?
Also, for people who did feel the vibes, which word combo felt like it was in which part of your brain? For me, the “Christ Love” part was in the left side of my brain and it was sort of diffuse through that side. Also, I would describe it as sort of dark and warm. And the “Christ Light” part was in the right side of my head, but it was sort of up, to the right, towards the front, and situated within a sort of narrower spot, maybe the size of like a half dollar piece.
I know for a fact that I have a very vivid imagination though, so I’m not willing to attribute this to anything necessarily mystical. But hey, who knows? I would personally be more inclined towards some kind of synaesthetic experience being at the root of these very specific internal experiences. But I would like to hear other people’s results and opinions as well.
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July 12th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
This is ridiculous. Even if you could prove that Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a bloodline that ran to the present day, if they were ancestors of the Merovingians, everyone of European descent (and probably many people of other ancestry) would be descended from Jesus.
July 12th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
No experience for me! I hope he didn’t put any negative subliminal messages into my lil’ subconsious.
Yo’, I daresay, I have to say I am extremely doubtful that Jesus had freaky children- meaning the website is about as credible as underwater underwear for Hindus from Undu.
July 12th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
This guy (or gal) is insane, always spamming Wikipedia over imagined insults to the ‘descendants,’ which is why I run the other way anytime I see anyone using the word ‘ascension.’
July 12th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
Hmmm… the checked the link and instead it was test to see I was part of the reptilian bloodline - what gives?
No, I wish that were true though…
hey has anyone seen the movie “nightwatch” - new russian horror flick? quite interesting ideas about co-existence and even cooperation of good and evil
July 12th, 2006 at 6:08 pm
Just as I started reading this, “Your Own Personal Jesus” came on egg radio. Wacky.
July 12th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
Hm.
OK now… that was slightly weird shit.
Yes, someone please explain that ‘effect.’ My experience was similar to Tim’s… but what gives? I was only vaguely paying attention to the sound clip, as my kitten was trying to monopolize my lap. However, I did get the tingly vibe, left-to-right; again, as per Tim. So does that mean I’m suggestable?!?
WTF? (It was actually kinda tingly and neat-o, I’m genuinly curious. Kinda relaxing.)
At any rate, I pride myself on being a skeptical bastid, so I need me an explanation, post haste!!!
Did anyone read any of the other (dubious) info links? The hell is up with the ‘white race’ BS??? That smacks of an agenda involving more tahn the sale of books and tapes…
July 12th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
I felt a little bit of sensation back and forth, but nothing much. Felt like it was generated through suggestion, like any sensations I’m guided to feel during hypnosis. The guy sounds like a wack job to me, but that’s just my knee-jerk reaction to california-accented new-age-jargon spouting folk in general. I’m not sorry.
July 12th, 2006 at 6:21 pm
(As an aside to Rev Max: I tried to watch Nightwatch some time ago & just couldn’t make it all the way thru; there were interesting bits… however, the whole thing struck me in a weird, not entirely sensible way, as a stylistic union of Excalibur, The Matrix, & Bakshi’s Wizards. Sort of a Ruski-Manichaeistic fairy tale. Anyhow, my general impression was that of a very polished special effects demo reel… a whole lotta eye candy, but rather monotonous…)
July 12th, 2006 at 7:36 pm
I didn’t listen to the whole thing, I stopped after the “one” serie, I was cracking up too damn much… But I did feel the vibes of the word on the left side of my brain, top left side.
I think it is real, in the sense that many people *will* feel it, I mean that’s the point of the scheme right, probably to recruit you into some weirdo church and milk you some good $$, or sell you DVDs etc.
I second those who mentioned hypnosis, auto-suggestion, subliminal manipulation, etc. These are actual proven techniques that do work (French president François Mitterand used subliminal stuff in his second presidential campaign on national TV!! and that was back in the 80’s) and this guy’s voice and tone sounded just like the kind…
July 12th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
You know, I recently read an article about how we are all related, and have the same ancestors as early as 5000 years ago. So, regardless of ethnicity or religion we are all family to a certain extent. If Jesus had kids, we’d all be related to him anyway.
Ignore that it’s a link to fox news.
This shouldn’t be news as it should be instinctively common knowledge. We are all human. We are all individuals, and yet are all unique. I guess people get confused by that thin line. We are all part of the same fabric, as “fruity” or “liberal” as it sounds. Man, I knew this since I was 6.
July 12th, 2006 at 9:26 pm
yeah supposedly thorugh the mirochondria we can all be traced back to 7 “eves” in africa
wasn’t crazy about nightwatch but appreciated the idea that the forces of evil and good take turns enforcing a truce - the good guys on patrol at night, the bad guys on patrol in the daytime. that was kinda nifty
July 12th, 2006 at 10:07 pm
pretty basic hypnotic induction technique. what`s the guy selling?
by the way, if you want to experience some interesting brain tingling stuff check out the brain magic work of amygdala stimulation by abloke who`s site i have forgotten. i will go find it now.
July 12th, 2006 at 10:12 pm
http://www.neilslade.com
there it is. i got a series of cds from neil a couple of years ago and i thoroughly enjoyed them. i recommend the amygdala clicking forward stuff………….
by the way, that 99th decendant of jesus and mary stuff it bullshit. how can some minor neurological effect be used as the basis for a supposed connection to the bloodline of christ?
July 12th, 2006 at 11:02 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MrK9-6LEpE
when you watch this video and listen to the sounds that accompany it notice how both sides of your brain begin to resonate and pretty soon you will just want to shout “blow your top, blow your top!”.
special thanks to reverend willy g.
July 12th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Wierd! I totally.. vaguely.. remember the Amygdala Brain dude from Coast to Coast, way way back in the day (when Coast to Coast was just Art bell, and didn’t suck). I never followed up on it though, so what a cool blast from the past, not to mention interesting avenue to check out in the present. Thanks alistair.
July 13th, 2006 at 5:21 am
I thought there was some movement of the word “light” up and to the right a little, listening on headphones. It seemed suggestion influenced to me, because I tried to take control of it, and have it switch sides, and it did.
(explanation as requested by sketchmonkeygod:)
After reading the comments, I checked using Winamp that the sound file is in mono, and I happened to have the spectrum visualization on which showed that the word “love” has a low and slightly falling frequency profile, while “light” has a rapidly rising then high frequency profile. Since a higher frequency profile is an auditory-psychological cue for sounds coming from higher up, that would explain most of the audio illusion, with suggestion accounting for why “light” would go right instead of just up. (A higher frequency profile is associated with up partly because the ears funnel in high frequencies more from above.) The test words were pronounced very drawn out and repeated, which makes hearing an audio illusion like that possible, while the other speech, even at a slow pace with hypnotically rythmic pauses, has quick enough variation that auditory perception tends to localize it at one position based on repeated white noises, rather than imagining it as swooping around with binaural illusions for each vowel.
I have no idea what it really means to hear something left brained or right brained or in your left or right brain. The closest experiment I’ve heard of to that is to block out both of the right sides or both of the left sides of your visual field, using specially altered glasses or both hands, and see if that changes how you feel. The way you feel when seeing only on the left side is how you feel when your right brain is seeing, and vice versa. I hear sounds as projected into my head when using headphones, if the stereo effects aren’t really spacious, but I don’t think of that as hearing in my brain, because I separate making imaginary stages in headspace and trying to sense or to study the anatomy of skull, sinuses, and brain.
Listening to that ZZ Top video, it’s in mono, but the bass starts to sound off to the left because it’s off to the left of the picture during most of the video. Perception is relative to what you’re trying to perceive and what mental images you’re forming to map your sense data onto.
July 13th, 2006 at 7:58 am
“You know you want to find out if you are…”
With all due respect Tim, this lost soul ain’t even a little curious. Mozart had a son who, like his illustrious parent, was also a composer. Mozart *fils* was by all accounts a mediocre composer; the old man’s DNA apparently didn’t do squat for him. The *least* efficacuous way to be Jesus-like I can think of is to be his third cousin 72 times removed.
July 13th, 2006 at 8:07 am
Feel pretty confident that this is completely ridiculous (DNA tests through audio? WTF?) but what the heck, gave it a go anyway as I was especially curious to see if / how it worked after reading Sonny Moonie’s potential explanation.
Oddly, most of the sensation I experienced was a sort of swirly sense of…pressure? Discomfort, anyway - right at the base of my skull, in the back. Got a bit of the “on the right” sense from “light” which would seem to validate SM’s explanation, but can’t really explain the other feeling. Something to do with the timbre of the voice and listening through headphones? Dunno. Curious effect.
July 13th, 2006 at 10:31 am
There are only two interesting things about this Jesus DNA site:
1. How obviously predictable the whole thing is; and
2. That the dude’s not charging for the “test.”
July 13th, 2006 at 2:36 pm
I listened to it, I was curious, not caring about the descendancy thing. I was thoroughly annoyed by the man’s voice. I didn’t concentrate overmuch on my PINE-E-AL, didn’t pay too much attention. When he started chanting Christ Love, I felt a pressure/tingle in my right brain towards the front and middle above and behind my temple and when he said Christ Light the feeling stopped at the center of my brain and went no further, then again on the right side when he repeated Christ Love. Suggestion… sure.
Who cares if they are the descendants of an Egyptian magus and a priestess?
July 13th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
I, wierdly, felt the same effects Tim did. So I guess I’m descended from Jesus. I have some things to add to my too-do list: 1) Turn water into wine 2) walk on water 3) bring a buddy of mine back from the dead… oh boy, this sounds FUN!
4) start my own religion (it worked for L. Ron Hubbard)
July 13th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
You Jesus descendents should form some sort of Christ superhero gang!
But first, you’ll need costumes. And I have just the thing:
http://www.leisuresuit.net/ultrachrist/
July 14th, 2006 at 9:57 am
A recent History Channel show had the guy with the Indiana Jones hat, test mitochondrail DNA from a Merovingian queen, and it showed no middle-eastern DNA.
I don’t need the test because I know I descend from the St. Clairs’ of Rosslyn Chapel, based on the 3rd quatering of the left sinister coat of arms thingee … worship me at your own risk.
Jeez, I just hope you folks aren’t now programmed to assassinate the Malaysian Prime Minister!! =0