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Tom Cruise’s Mystery Baby
Been hearing lots of weird rumors about Suri, the supposed baby born to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I say “supposed” because there is some popular speculation that she doesn’t even exist.
The mystery began of course with Cruise’s weird actions of last year where he was jumping over couches on Oprah, doing weird interviews unraveling his carefully kept Scientology secrets, firing his long-time publicist and eventually declaring his love for actress Katie Holmes in what many people saw as a ploy to jointly promote the movies each member of the couple had out at the time.
Then of course was Katie’s pregnancy, Tom’s weird personal use of a sonogram machine and god only knows what else. Now, the baby was born in April, but no one has officially seen her, and there are some weird irregularities about her birth certificate which seem to be floating around pop culture sites online:
TMZ has obtained a copy of Suri Cruise’s birth certificate which wasn’t filed with the Los Angeles County Clerk until May 8th even though Suri was born on April 18. They also point out some interesting notes about the certificate, like that the “Attendant or Certifier” wasn’t in the room during the delivery and never saw the baby, although she was authorized to sign because the doctor wasn’t available. Additionally, St. John’s Hospital filed the certificate 20 days after the birth as opposed to their usual policy of doing it within 10 days because they needed a signature from the parents or their representative and nobody came in until May 4th. The person who eventually signed was labeled “friend” and the reason they finally came in was because Suri needed a passport and a birth certificate is a prerequisite for one.
People are questioning at this point whether or not the baby even exists or if Holmes was pregnant in the first place. An op ed piece on Fox News reassures us that, “Of course, none of this is true.” So what is true? Idol Chatter blogger and soon-to-be father himself Michael Kress sees it simply as a matter of parents needing privacy for their children.
Who knows though? Meanwhile, check out this other great and very phildickian piece from Fox News about a Malaysian man who is having no luck after four years convincing his government that he is, in fact, still alive. It’s weird how we can play games with documentation and that somehow that dictates to us our status as real and actual beings. We fight to exist, to not exist and to define our existence or non-existance on our own terms. And where does it get us? God only knows. Or maybe Fox News does.
July 14th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
How fucked up can this country get? Tom Cruise is acting so wierd, it leaves two possibilities.
1) He has some sort of hidden agenda, possibly on the behaf of the Church of Scientology
2) He is insane
The second story reminds me of the Vogons in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy; buerocracy is a funny thing… until you realize it rules your life.
July 14th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
I fooking hate Foox news.
Well, katie Holmes certainly looked pregnant at the time. Maybe she ate too many monkey fingers?
It is interesting that Tom Cruise is 44 years old and his wife is 27. When Tom Cruise was 27 his wife was 10. What a hoot age differences can be!
Anyways, according to http://www.talkstar.co.uk/zodiac/ we find out that a baby born on April 18 is is a “straight talker, competitive, adventurous, easily bored, independent, impulsive, enjoys a challenge.” Boy, I penis-envy people born at that day, imagine that being easily bored as a personality trait!
July 14th, 2006 at 2:28 pm
it might also be tom`s mechanism for that inate will that we all have to privacy.
but there are those pesky vogons and thier hideous poetry.
that reminds me of the delightful epistle i recieved in the mail yesterday from the canadian census bureau. they informed me that i could recieve a $500 fine or up to three months i jail for not completing thier census. i just get tired over this kind of thing. we are moving from this house on august 22nd. any information i provide now will become inaccurate within the next five weeks. should i just turn myself in now?
July 14th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
I remember a Arrested Development were Michael’s ex-girlfriend was going to be a surrogate mother for a gay couple, but she was faking the pregnancy with padding, and had outsourced it to her friend…. I wonder what Scientology thinks of that
July 14th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
Isn’t obvious? Katie Holmes is actually a dude; (s)he & Tom successfully completed the Babylon Working (L Ron’s thetan beams proudly… somewhere), ending up with a homonculous. Surely you can’t expect they would do anything so crass as exhibit photos of their magickal childe!?!?
July 14th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
The Babalon Working was the inspiration for Rosemary’s Baby.
Damian?
July 14th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
The favorite thing I’ve ever heard about Tom Cruise is that he made Nicole Kidman watch one of his movies everytime before they had sex. Nothing else to add.
July 14th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Yes Mr Blind, one thing to add:
You wear your name perfectly if you beleive your own shit.
People are brainwashed by media.
Sad.
July 16th, 2006 at 9:45 am
I’m not sure how you made the jump from “I heard” to “I believe,” but maybe a lot of people do that as well. And I hopefully am not brainwashed by the media although whoever said it to me might be. I’ve also heard th Britney Spears was abducted by aliens, do I believe that? No, that doesn’t make it any less interesting to play around with.
July 17th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Maybe its a changeling
July 17th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Best Onion headline ever: “Tom Cruise clones, fellates self”