The new branding of Christianity is getting pretty amazing. It seems that within the last couple years, the pathetic poorly-polished attempts by different Christian groups to get their voice heard is finally starting to shape up. It used to be that you could spot Christian media a mile away by their lack of media savvy and poor production values, but things are rapidly changing. See, for example, this lovely little slide show (with accompanying audio) from the Seattle PI, and their article about CreationFest 2006, which recently transpired outside the city at the Gorge Amphitheatre.

Marvel at their photos of bikini clad girls walking by a throwback painted bus with the words “JESUS LOVES YOU” emblazoned on it. Gasp in delight as skateboarders jump over people and explain how God made them good skateboarders so that they could bring people closer to Jesus. Titillate yourself with further investigations of allied marketing groups and brands only half-mentioned in the photo narrative, such as Boarders for Christ, and JesusBranded. Wail and tear your hair out as you read the brilliant ad copy on their websites:

FEED THE POOR. CLOTHE THE NAKED.
MACHINE WASH COLD WITH LIKE COLORS.
HEAL THE SICK. RAISE THE DEAD. DRIVE OUT DEMONS.
DO NOT BLEACH. DO NOT IRON.
LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR. LOVE YOUR GOD.
TUMBLE DRY LOW.
PREACH THE GOSPEL. MAKE DISCIPLES.
LIVE JESUSBRANDED.

If that isn’t just goddamned brilliant, then I really don’t know what is.

To unpack this new Christian marketing-fusion trend a little more broadly, I think we can read what is happening like this. Companies know that the constant bombardment of pseudo-realities upon the consumer causes a state of panic and confusion. They not only know this, they thrive on it. It is the thin edge of the wedge which they use to foist endless products onto us. They also realizing that contemporary Christianity is gaining ground because it is offering to alleviate for people exactly this same type of stress. By giving your life to God and being “in the world but not of it”, you are able to effectively (in some cases) side-step these many pitfalls laid out by corporate culture.

But corporate culture is nothing if not adaptable. They only exist by continuing to give us what we want - although they usually simply just tell us what we want and that’s that. But when people start saying, “We don’t want this. We want something else,” then they know to listen. Because people will tell you how to market to them and what products will satisfy them. It’s easy. Just look at how MySpace works (or blogs for that matter). So companies are catching on to this whole idea of certainty: and that people want to be liberated from the confusion of secular corporate culture. So they seem to be teaming up with Christian groups (at least those who are media savvy and have a similar desire for power and influence), offering them what seem to be white label products, and managing their advertising and marketing schemes cooperatively. In this way, people alleviate the uncertainty of the marketplace by committing themselves to something - but what they have committed themselves to - in many cases - may simply be a trojan horse genre of Christianized products.

Think about it like this. If you are a parent whose “meta-brand” is Christianity, and your kid likes skateboards, who are you going to get a skateboard for your kid from? A company called Alien Workshop? Decomposed? Conspiracy? Dirty Butt? Death Grip? Hell no! You’re gonna encourage your kid to check out a group called Boarders For Christ, and see what they recommend, or what they themselves use.

Somebody somewhere is about to start making some serious bank on all this, if they haven’t already. It is an absolutely brilliant strategy which I expect we will start seeing used in other venues as well. In fact, I have a July 17, 2006 copy of Newsweek with an ad for MetLife (insurance company) on the back that features the headline: “Replace today’s uncertainties with guarantees.” We all want to be certain, it seems - but who is offering it to us, and is that what they really want for us? What do they demand in return?