The other night we paid cash at a local restaurant. When the waiter brought back our change he informed us that since we’d paid in cash, they’d taken ten percent off the bill. If this isn’t a sign of the End Times, I don’t know what is (probably nothing because its a trick - there will be no End Times. The world won’t end once it reaches a certain level of bad. We will just adapt). My roomate just received his latest copy of the Economist: it features Dinosaurs made out of cashmoney and it announces boldly, “The end of the cash era.” The other night at the grocery store, I looked at the Coinstar machine and it said on it “Turn your change into cash.” Except they don’t give you cash when you use that machine. They take your cash from you and give you a receipt which you can then redeem at that grocery store (QFC). But they call it cash, because we are in a time when the meaning of words is changing. Things are becoming their opposites. Time and God and Love and Money are all about to invert themselves in your front yard. Except you don’t have a front yard because you live in an apart-me(nt)prison. Your backyard consists of trash receptacles and vagrants having loud unprotected sex. At least someone is enjoying these days. At least someone doesn’t care about the consequences. Tomorrow is such a drag.

But I don’t believe in fairies. I just believe in people living and dying in the gutters of complacency of why is my ATM fee so high this month? Why can’t I get high this month? Say hi to this month’s Pink Floyd laser light show of UFO Kabbalah fireplace. Of rock solid abdomens with cold compress packages of Tootsie Roll Mountain Dew Orange Slice wrappers. Of no bras, no makeup and no acid rain in my Brita pitcher. Lex and Martin Luther holding hands in the Darkness. Someday every word that exists will be the name of a shitty band with a MySpace profile and a bunch of assy videos on YouTube. You won’t be able to find anything you want because everything you will have wanted will have already re-shifted into another temporal dimension and all you’re left with is hollow qlippoth shells of the world that once was before we all decided we were better off how we are now.

Whose shoe is that? Cinderella’s? I heard the other day while walking that in Disney’s Cinderella Part 1 Billion or some shit that Fairy Tales don’t always end how you think they will. Not anymore they don’t. They don’t need to. They no longer hide their alchemical secrets now that alchemy is no secret. We need more secrets, less things that are known, explained and labeled. Fashion Avenue: Don’t Walk. We suffered. We only found it today!

Somebody emailed me today: “i was expecting some pig event for this night, but nothing so far. what about you?” Nothing so far, sorry friend! Except of course for this, a word from our piggish technocratic-anthropological sponsors:

Gossip is not a trivial pastime: it is essential to human social, psychological and even physical well-being. The mobile phone, by facilitating therapeutic gossip in an alienating and fragmented modern world, has become a vital ’social lifeline’, helping us to re-create the more natural communication patterns of pre-industrial times.

Gossip is the human equivalent of ’social grooming’ among primates, which has been shown to stimulate production of endorphins, relieving stress and boosting the immune system. Two-thirds of all human conversation is gossip, because this ‘vocal grooming’ is essential to our social, psychological and physical well-being. Mobiles facilitate gossip. Mobiles have increased and enhanced this vital therapeutic activity, by allowing us to gossip ‘anytime, anyplace, anywhere’ and to text as well as talk. Mobile gossip is an effective and important new stress-buster.

On the back of a bag of Cheetos I bought last night, it says:

What’s a Serving?

With Cheetos® brand Crunchy snacks, eat 21 - that’s just the right amount for crazy, cheesy fun!

What more can YOU do with 21 Cheetos® snacks?

Break them each in half and you have 42. If you eat half of the halves you are back to 21.

Brought to you, of course, by Chester Cheetah, the cheesiest® sonofabitch® around. And now for a word on cultiples from our sponsor, Tutopia!

Playing video games appears to help surgeons with skills that truly count: how well they operate using a precise technique, a study said Monday.

There was a strong correlation between video game skills and a surgeon’s capabilities performing laparoscopic surgery in the study published in the February issue of Archives of Surgery.

Laparoscopy and related surgeries involve manipulating instruments through a small incision or body opening where the surgeon’s movements are guided by watching a television screen.

But that’s not all. That’s not all. God made a deal with me about running up a hill. God told me to go walk along the edge of the ocean and see what I could find. I asked for forgiveness and got a kick in the nuts. The universal machine of that which breaks down again and again and is up on blocks in the backyard. I watched part of the movie Sister Act one time when I was high in California. It was extra rippin.

Supposedly noone in China ever saw a lion and so when they went to create statues of them, they had to model them after local dogs. Now they guard houses. One of them now guards my bedroom, a female.

The lions are generally present in pairs, with the male on the right and the female on the left. The male lion has his right paw on a globe, which represents his “feeling the pulse of the earth.” The female is essentially identical, but has a single cub under her left paw. Symbolically, the male fu dog guards the structure, while the female protects those dwelling inside. Sometimes the male has his mouth open and the female closed. This symbolizes the enunciation of the sacred word “om.” Other styles have both lions with a single large pearl in each of their partially opened mouths. The pearl is carved so that it can roll about in the lion’s mouth but sized just large enough so that it can never be removed.

They are good for keeping away mannequins and Microsoft and other malevolent entities. But I am keeping the faith, I am holding the line. I will be beside you in time, burning crosses on front lawns across the Soviet Union.