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1717 Sativa Bodhisattva
Love is the seething hatred you develop for another person because you don’t understand why they have this power over you but you just know you have to be around them.
At least those are what its like on the bad days.
The burrito girl did kill herself. It has unbalanced everything. It’s a small community of people. It spreads like a wave. Which is good that we’ll be on the beach for her tonight then in a few hours. Let that water wash our hands feet and faces.
We saw the Devil’s Daughters perform last night. They took us back thousands of years to Africa where we all lived under the shadow of maybe a younger Mount Kilimanjaro with a bit more of a peak on the left hand side. Mist lay over the Serengeti. Leopards and lions and elephants lazed about. There was dancing and singing and healing and much deep women’s magic. I cried during the part about Sylvie bringing them water. The Woman at the Well. I knew the words to other parts but couldn’t remember how to sing them.
I’ll remember soon I think.
Getting punched in the head a few times has the effect of waking you up to certain things. I mean, it’s crude, but it’s effective. I didn’t bother hitting them back. They seemed scared shitless enough as it was with me advancing towards them in my socks with my hands up yelling “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”
They loped off like scared puppies.
Their pack leader swung and hit me and it seemed like he only hit me because he was scared. Well, he got a lot more scared when I didn’t respond at all after he hit me and just started yelling at him again like a dog that had just shit in the middle of the living room.
You can’t really blame them these kids. They are just puppies. They just wanted to play. But hitting a goat in the head is just stupid. It’s what we’re made for.
Last night the moon made magic. I’ll try to find some pictures to try and unlock it. Silvia and Xavier. I am feeling more and more French lately. I like it. I started wearing my overalls again, cause why not?
Some random shit for those in the “know” (this will give the cryptographers something to puzzle over too):
Silver silk selkie sylvan sylph (septagram) Sylvia (Shiva) Silvanus Pan Green Man Robin Hood King Arthur Alba Longa (Avalon under another consonant system) Rhea Silvia Vestal Virgin Mary Magdalene Sophia Shekinah Ladies of Avalon Numitor Numenor Dunedain Aenaes Aaron Moses Remus & Romulus Cain & Abel Jesus & Judas…
“Let the Scarlet Woman beware! If pity and compassion and tenderness visit her heart; if she leave my work to toy with old sweetnesses; then shall my vengeance be known. I will slay me her child: I will alienate her heart: I will cast her out from men: as a shrinking and despised harlot shall she crawl through dusk wet streets, and die cold and an-hungered. But let her raise herself in pride! Let her follow me in my way! Let her work the work of wickedness! Let her kill her heart! Let her be loud and adulterous! Let her be covered with jewels, and rich garments, and let her be shameless before all men! Then will I lift her to pinnacles of power: then will I breed from her a child mightier than all the kings of the earth. I will fill her with joy: with my force shall she see & strike at the worship of Nu: she shall achieve Hadit.” Liber AL vel Legis 3:43-45
Oh that reminds me. I totally get the “real story” behind the Apple in the Garden of Eden now. I’ll see if I can’t explain it. That deserves its own entry though.
With an ironclad fist I French kiss the morning. An iron hand in a velvet glove. Velvet Revolver. LA Guns. Slave spirituals sung in the fields. It all fits together somehow, Scarlet.
May 20th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
That would make an interesting Hallmark card.
Sorry about the Burrito girl. Did you really get punched in the head this weekend? Its hard to tell with you. I walk down the street when I am bored hoping someone will punch me in the head. People can tell somehow. They don’t do it if you are hoping they will.
Its probably not a good hobby.
May 20th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
I sure did
May 20th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Hee, hee, hee, meeting new neighbors is always an adventure.
Hee, hee, hee, that’s sooo Ted of you. Here’s hoping you don’t get your wish, or you do if you want, or you wish for the opposite of something and it happens or something.
Sorry. It sounds painful this far away. It should. On my office wall I have a series of pictures of a girl who became addicted to meth and died. I don’t know her name but when people ask me about her I call her My Friend and tell what I know of her story. She’s followed me from office to office and she’ll follow me to my next job. It’s good to know The Burrito Girl has friends too.
May 20th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Julia, I don’t really try that hard though. I mean there are neighborhoods I walk through where it would be guaranteed. I just walk down Bike paths or parks in Yuppie areas hoping a yuppie runner runner will bump into me for not getting out of the way.
Its like the scene in fight club where all the guys were trying to get beat up and it was really hard, because no one would fight them.
Of course in the bad neighborhood there is a bike path too but then you get into these weird situations like little black kids throwing rocks at you for walking in their neighborhood. What do you do then? They aren’t the kind of people I wish wong uld fight me. I want the yuppie runners that expect everyone to yield to them to try to fight me.
Hey Tim, I’ve been punched in the head probably 30 or 40 times. What new realities has it opened up for you?
The only thing I can think of is that once you get beat up you don’t fear it so much anymore but it also opens up whole other cans of worms. I mean there is no end to it. Being a true pacifist does actually solve a lot of problems. I mean truly being a peaceful person is a noble and difficult path. that is one choice that is out there. But if you don’t choose it, if you choose to fight, there is no being done with it. There is nothing you can really prove once and for all.
I am assuming you are drawn to the peaceful path.
May 20th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Because We are so vulnerable. Its just a harsh reality. You can do things to be able to fight but it doesn’t change the reality of the situation.
I was thinking of you today while I was walking on the Bike trail, sizing up all these runners. What you were saying about constantly getting pierced with arrows and being crucified. I think I understand what you mean now. We are so vulnerable, we shut ourselves off from reality and so also shut out the beauty. So to be open to all the beauty we have to be open to all the pain.
I saw a gosling today too. He was the littlest one, so the other ones pushed him out to the edge, where he was even more vulnerable to predators. He was so vulnerable. But I doubt he had any existential pain about it.
May 20th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Yes and it is an extremely difficult line to hold as you feel like you get no rewards for it, but it is a matter of diligence and perseverance of holding your heart pure at all costs as the beast rapidly changes shape to evade your grasp.
May 21st, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Weird thing Tim. I had a dream about you Saturday night. I was going to write about it in the post that you had up Sunday, but was taken down (not my imagination I hope?) Anyways, I was at your new place (my best guess). Came out of it thinking 1) clean up and 2) watch out for the cops. For what it’s worth…
May 21st, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Email me about your dream if you have a chance. It was, ahh, a bad evening and morning… especially morning.
May 21st, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I think you cannot emphasize and elaborate on this enough. It can be hazardous to dabble as a dilettante in this territory. Commit absolutely or go back. Dragons be here. Dabbling lazily for too long can lead to the feeling that you are progressing, when in fact you are rolling down a slope towards the abyss. There are those entities (I use that term very loosely) that would gladly assist you in the process, lulling you into even greater spiritual stupor.
May 21st, 2007 at 11:03 pm
Well, I don’t know what you guys are talking about when you get real deep and start using all these metaphors.
But I was thinking about this getting punched in the face thing. People can get punched in the face for not being assertive enough. Especially, if they are a person with a naturally strong personality.
If you have a strong personality but are uncomfortable exerting your power, it brings out the desire for people to punch you in the face. That’s been the case for me.
Its like there is an incongruity there. I see this event being tied into the post about being a man. I was thinking you would run with that a little more.
What happened with me was I would get punched in the face until I started acting more assertive. But still for a while I was willing to punch back but still not assertive enough and would bring out aggression in people and then I would get in their face and they would back down. This intensity would just come out of nowhere and catch them off guard. But it meant though I wasn’t being assertive enough day to day moment to moment, so there would be these harsh corrections needed in my relationships with other men I was working with. What was a little disappointing to me was that I never really got the chance to win a fight. People would just fold.
There is a rapidly diminishing window of opportunity where I am young enough to still test myself in some kind of physical fight.
But the overall point though is that Leaders, people with strong personalities need to learn how to express that in an even flow, expressing to people around them, who they are.
You may be able to relate to this or maybe not. No offense intended if this is not applicable to you.
May 21st, 2007 at 11:31 pm
“But I was thinking about this getting punched in the face thing. People can get punched in the face for not being assertive enough. Especially, if they are a person with a naturally strong personality.” (Quote buttons didn’t show up.)
But this is deep and metaphorical and it fits in just right with the other comments. I have this propblem, mostly at work, but it doesn’t involve physical fights. I might be turning away from a confrontation on principle, not wanting to get in the gutter, play to my own base instincts, desire for revenge etc. People mistake kindness for weakness so they attack harder to put on a show for their friends. Now I’m in danger and have to defend myself. Others get dragged in and I have to protect them. I can get another job easier than my 61 year old coworker.
“Dabbling lazily for too long can lead to the feeling that you are progressing, when in fact you are rolling down a slope towards the abyss.”
If I trade my morals and integrity to be one of the “In Crowd” at work, politics, lifestyle or anywhere else this is the result. I’m happier, earning more, my boss likes me more since I stopped giving him and his toadies funny looks. But, I’m fighting for my spiritual health. “Yeah, I’m getting ahead! Uh, not really.” Yes I would rather have trouble paying my bills because I’ve seen the results of the other paths my friends have taken. Not that I have anything against money.
And, I may be heading towards an abyss I know nothing about but at least there are a few I know how to avoid. You’re all talking about the same thing but using different styles of language. A walk down the street is just as spiritual as meditation session. It depends on your intentions.
May 21st, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Julia,
See I think you set yourself up for failure, by thinking lose lose. You think you either have to violate your integrity or be a doormat. Wrong. I mean I have totally been there.
Thats a martyr complex. I mean have you met people that are in control and assertive and well respected and have integrity? I have. You can have all those things.
But anyway this is a big issue in my life and I am still working it out. I overstate my case a bit with my blog and stuff, I am over the top a bit at times but the reality is I am over-socialized and too nice, or have been most of my life.
I even realized, recently I have more bass in my voice naturally than I talk with in most social situations.
But being assertive and having integrity aren’t polar opposites by any means.
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:57 am
It amazes me that anyone thinks otherwise. But then, i’ve been there myself. I just can’t remember where I was coming from. It seems ludicrous now.
Tim, what’s with all this scarlet stuff? Or would it be too direct to just say what you mean? Sorry, I’m tired and in no mood to worry about seeming confrontational even when I’m not being.
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:36 am
Or your face and someone’s fist could simply be inhabiting the same place in linear time kinda like the “Big Bang Theory” or what I call 3 Stooges Cosmology. Shit just happens dudes * this is where I insert a weird smiley face denoting this post is meant to be humorous, people of a spiritual bent take things seriously, I bet Buddha laffed like a mofo all the time.*
You know the laughing buddha is called Buddha Maitreya, here’s an interesting look at him, big belly and all
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:32 am
Oh, yeah. Martyr complex is a part of it too. My job is a big dysfunctional family. One of the problems is the most devious ones have the one you refer to above fooled/boxed in. It’s like the game of Go, which I don’t play well at all. You don’t remove pieces, you block them.
Yeah, it’s amazing. But, if you’ve secured control over people by imitating integrity you can’t have too much of the real thing around or people start to notice the difference. I know, I know. I need a new job. There’s work to be done even in weed infested fields though.
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:47 am
Hope you’re not bruised up too badly from getting punched in the head, Tim. Whatever all that craziness was you went through, I’m sure you’ve gleaned many messages from it.
Ted–let me know what you think of that book I mentioned in the other post, if you get around to it some day. Glad you realized I wasn’t just trying to have you on or insult you…though i made me laugh to read your initial reaction.
Being wounded again and again–being truly open and vulnerable and human, I feel it. But the constant wounding is also a part of other paths, too.
Whatever path you choose, you gotta go whole hog plus the postage. Half-assed and dabbling leads to getting stuck in the quicksand or caught in the intersection as the big trucks come hurdling your way. And every path requires intense amounts of sacrifice and a fair share of discomfort and pain. Simply no way around it. But the reigning spirit of our times is towards this illusory comfort and convenience which shuts off the sign posts of true development from people and lulls them into sleep–that’s how have come to understand the reigning spirit of the times as a false one.
So now, time for big leaps, big risks and sacrifices…and gains: some of them you might be able to *measure* (in money or sex or whatever), but the greatest ones are beyond quantification and all about an ineffable quality.
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:43 pm
I don’t know what it means. I only know that I’m bleeding.
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:03 pm
BTW small town “authorities” will let the locals beat up on strangers if they think the strangers will depress property values. My niece’s rainbow tribe friends (in Missouri) were merely looked down on until development started coming their way. Vandalism wasn’t punished or even investigated. Her, by then, abusive boyfriend could’ve killed her and gotten away with it. There’s nothing my brother’s male bonding over cigars w/local law enforcement could’ve done about it. Look at neighboring towns to see if there’s something the locals are lusting after and be careful.
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Is this why I got hit by a truck today? I just started a new job. While on the job (delivery driving), I was thinking how much I hate it so far and that I’m not supposed to be doing it. Then I rationalized that away, telling myself to suck it up and just do it for now (kinda half-assed like, just for the money). Then the speeding truck hit me.
Open gushing wounds, left open and untended, lead to infection and death. Or is that what you’re going for? Deal with your shit, or you might get hit by a truck.
Oh yeah, I just remembered I got hit by a truck on my bike too when I was little. My first day without training wheels. I have to break this habit.
I don’t know what I mean by this either. Now I understand what you mean when you say you don’t know what it means. Fuck. I’m still in shock. Life is mean sometimes.
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Tim & Brooke - hope you’re both ok! Scarlet -seeing Red.
That old trick with a written word in a folded up paper, then they’re asked a series of rapid simple math questions, ending with “what color are you thinking of?” 99 out of 100 times it’s Red … which is what you had written on the piece of paper at the beginning.
Lawdy - I hope Scarlett Johanssen isn’t the whore of Babylon!!! please no!
Last time I got punched in the head, was confronted by a bunch of rowdy youths pouring out of the park one night by the Good Shepard Center on Meridian. I was warned “not to mess with cubans” to which I went on about how I dont fight, cause “Jesus is my brother, etc.” … finally they had heard enough, and went away … not sure what I said exactly.
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:48 pm
This site is getting dangerous. Luckily we have Ted around. Keep thinking threatening thoughts Ted.
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:14 pm
We were also almost was killed by a brick (and by “a” I mean 4) through the window last night as well, so I need to fucking figure something out here…
May 23rd, 2007 at 12:39 pm
That’s not blood… it’s strawberry jam!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6203080879952576646
May 23rd, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Man, Tim, where do you guys live? I for some reason was picturing you in a pretty little scenic town, till you started in with all this.
May 23rd, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Yeah that’s what I was picturing too. A pretty little scenic town, I mean that’s what it is…
May 23rd, 2007 at 2:55 pm
That’s extra weird then.
Oh yeah, the truck that hit me was red.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
[…] My old boss - and friend - Buzz Parker is having an art opening this weekend in Culver City, CA. You should go check it out and introduce yourself if you’re in the area. Buzz is the kind soul who introduced me to the excellent Blondie album, Parallel Lines (BitTorrent) and whose comic book character, Emily Strange, looked oddly like the girl who I moved down to fantasy-land in Northern California to be with earlier this year, and who I inadvertently got punched in the face for by a band of juvenile miscreants - an event which I still don’t understand even to this day. In fact, the entire month I spent in Arcata is really just a weird haze in my mind: the point of my life where the sun and moon almost fused (alchemically speaking) and where I almost spun off into the world of dreams for ever. Working for Buzz, in fact, was one of my few havens during that incredibly weird (or should I say “strange”?) time period. […]