Yeah that’s what I was picturing too. A pretty little scenic town, I mean that’s what it is…

That’s extra weird then.

Oh yeah, the truck that hit me was red.

I don’t know what it means. I only know that I’m bleeding.

That’s not blood… it’s strawberry jam!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6203080879952576646

That old trick with a written word in a folded up paper, then they’re asked a series of rapid simple math questions, ending with “what color are you thinking of?” 99 out of 100 times it’s Red … which is what you had written on the piece of paper at the beginning.

Lawdy - I hope Scarlett Johanssen isn’t the whore of Babylon!!! please no!

Last time I got punched in the head, was confronted by a bunch of rowdy youths pouring out of the park one night by the Good Shepard Center on Meridian. I was warned “not to mess with cubans” to which I went on about how I dont fight, cause “Jesus is my brother, etc.” … finally they had heard enough, and went away … not sure what I said exactly.

Whatever path you choose, you gotta go whole hog plus the postage. Half-assed and dabbling leads to getting stuck in the quicksand or caught in the intersection as the big trucks come hurdling your way.

Is this why I got hit by a truck today? I just started a new job. While on the job (delivery driving), I was thinking how much I hate it so far and that I’m not supposed to be doing it. Then I rationalized that away, telling myself to suck it up and just do it for now (kinda half-assed like, just for the money). Then the speeding truck hit me.

I don’t know what it means. I only know that I’m bleeding.

Open gushing wounds, left open and untended, lead to infection and death. Or is that what you’re going for? Deal with your shit, or you might get hit by a truck.

Oh yeah, I just remembered I got hit by a truck on my bike too when I was little. My first day without training wheels. I have to break this habit.

I don’t know what I mean by this either. Now I understand what you mean when you say you don’t know what it means. Fuck. I’m still in shock. Life is mean sometimes.

I don’t know what it means. I only know that I’m bleeding.

BTW small town “authorities” will let the locals beat up on strangers if they think the strangers will depress property values. My niece’s rainbow tribe friends (in Missouri) were merely looked down on until development started coming their way. Vandalism wasn’t punished or even investigated. Her, by then, abusive boyfriend could’ve killed her and gotten away with it. There’s nothing my brother’s male bonding over cigars w/local law enforcement could’ve done about it. Look at neighboring towns to see if there’s something the locals are lusting after and be careful.

Tim, what’s with all this scarlet stuff?

I don’t know what it means. I only know that I’m bleeding.

Ted–let me know what you think of that book I mentioned in the other post, if you get around to it some day. Glad you realized I wasn’t just trying to have you on or insult you…though i made me laugh to read your initial reaction.

Being wounded again and again–being truly open and vulnerable and human, I feel it. But the constant wounding is also a part of other paths, too.

Whatever path you choose, you gotta go whole hog plus the postage. Half-assed and dabbling leads to getting stuck in the quicksand or caught in the intersection as the big trucks come hurdling your way. And every path requires intense amounts of sacrifice and a fair share of discomfort and pain. Simply no way around it. But the reigning spirit of our times is towards this illusory comfort and convenience which shuts off the sign posts of true development from people and lulls them into sleep–that’s how have come to understand the reigning spirit of the times as a false one.
So now, time for big leaps, big risks and sacrifices…and gains: some of them you might be able to *measure* (in money or sex or whatever), but the greatest ones are beyond quantification and all about an ineffable quality.

Thats a martyr complex. I mean have you met people that are in control and assertive and well respected and have integrity? I have. You can have all those things.

Oh, yeah. Martyr complex is a part of it too. My job is a big dysfunctional family. One of the problems is the most devious ones have the one you refer to above fooled/boxed in. It’s like the game of Go, which I don’t play well at all. You don’t remove pieces, you block them.

It amazes me that anyone thinks otherwise.

Yeah, it’s amazing. But, if you’ve secured control over people by imitating integrity you can’t have too much of the real thing around or people start to notice the difference. I know, I know. I need a new job. There’s work to be done even in weed infested fields though.

But I was thinking about this getting punched in the face thing. People can get punched in the face for not being assertive enough. Especially, if they are a person with a naturally strong personality

Or your face and someone’s fist could simply be inhabiting the same place in linear time kinda like the “Big Bang Theory” or what I call 3 Stooges Cosmology. Shit just happens dudes * this is where I insert a weird smiley face denoting this post is meant to be humorous, people of a spiritual bent take things seriously, I bet Buddha laffed like a mofo all the time.*

You know the laughing buddha is called Buddha Maitreya, here’s an interesting look at him, big belly and all

But being assertive and having integrity aren’t polar opposites by any means.

It amazes me that anyone thinks otherwise. But then, i’ve been there myself. I just can’t remember where I was coming from. It seems ludicrous now.

Tim, what’s with all this scarlet stuff? Or would it be too direct to just say what you mean? Sorry, I’m tired and in no mood to worry about seeming confrontational even when I’m not being.

See I think you set yourself up for failure, by thinking lose lose. You think you either have to violate your integrity or be a doormat. Wrong. I mean I have totally been there.

Thats a martyr complex. I mean have you met people that are in control and assertive and well respected and have integrity? I have. You can have all those things.

But anyway this is a big issue in my life and I am still working it out. I overstate my case a bit with my blog and stuff, I am over the top a bit at times but the reality is I am over-socialized and too nice, or have been most of my life.

I even realized, recently I have more bass in my voice naturally than I talk with in most social situations.

But being assertive and having integrity aren’t polar opposites by any means.

But this is deep and metaphorical and it fits in just right with the other comments. I have this propblem, mostly at work, but it doesn’t involve physical fights. I might be turning away from a confrontation on principle, not wanting to get in the gutter, play to my own base instincts, desire for revenge etc. People mistake kindness for weakness so they attack harder to put on a show for their friends. Now I’m in danger and have to defend myself. Others get dragged in and I have to protect them. I can get another job easier than my 61 year old coworker.

“Dabbling lazily for too long can lead to the feeling that you are progressing, when in fact you are rolling down a slope towards the abyss.”

If I trade my morals and integrity to be one of the “In Crowd” at work, politics, lifestyle or anywhere else this is the result. I’m happier, earning more, my boss likes me more since I stopped giving him and his toadies funny looks. But, I’m fighting for my spiritual health. “Yeah, I’m getting ahead! Uh, not really.” Yes I would rather have trouble paying my bills because I’ve seen the results of the other paths my friends have taken. Not that I have anything against money.

And, I may be heading towards an abyss I know nothing about but at least there are a few I know how to avoid. You’re all talking about the same thing but using different styles of language. A walk down the street is just as spiritual as meditation session. It depends on your intentions.

But I was thinking about this getting punched in the face thing. People can get punched in the face for not being assertive enough. Especially, if they are a person with a naturally strong personality.

If you have a strong personality but are uncomfortable exerting your power, it brings out the desire for people to punch you in the face. That’s been the case for me.

Its like there is an incongruity there. I see this event being tied into the post about being a man. I was thinking you would run with that a little more.

What happened with me was I would get punched in the face until I started acting more assertive. But still for a while I was willing to punch back but still not assertive enough and would bring out aggression in people and then I would get in their face and they would back down. This intensity would just come out of nowhere and catch them off guard. But it meant though I wasn’t being assertive enough day to day moment to moment, so there would be these harsh corrections needed in my relationships with other men I was working with. What was a little disappointing to me was that I never really got the chance to win a fight. People would just fold.

There is a rapidly diminishing window of opportunity where I am young enough to still test myself in some kind of physical fight.

But the overall point though is that Leaders, people with strong personalities need to learn how to express that in an even flow, expressing to people around them, who they are.

You may be able to relate to this or maybe not. No offense intended if this is not applicable to you.

Yes and it is an extremely difficult line to hold as you feel like you get no rewards for it, but it is a matter of diligence and perseverance of holding your heart pure at all costs as the beast rapidly changes shape to evade your grasp.

I think you cannot emphasize and elaborate on this enough. It can be hazardous to dabble as a dilettante in this territory. Commit absolutely or go back. Dragons be here. Dabbling lazily for too long can lead to the feeling that you are progressing, when in fact you are rolling down a slope towards the abyss. There are those entities (I use that term very loosely) that would gladly assist you in the process, lulling you into even greater spiritual stupor.

We are so vulnerable, we shut ourselves off from reality and so also shut out the beauty. So to be open to all the beauty we have to be open to all the pain.

Yes and it is an extremely difficult line to hold as you feel like you get no rewards for it, but it is a matter of diligence and perseverance of holding your heart pure at all costs as the beast rapidly changes shape to evade your grasp.

I was thinking of you today while I was walking on the Bike trail, sizing up all these runners. What you were saying about constantly getting pierced with arrows and being crucified. I think I understand what you mean now. We are so vulnerable, we shut ourselves off from reality and so also shut out the beauty. So to be open to all the beauty we have to be open to all the pain.

I saw a gosling today too. He was the littlest one, so the other ones pushed him out to the edge, where he was even more vulnerable to predators. He was so vulnerable. But I doubt he had any existential pain about it.

Its like the scene in fight club where all the guys were trying to get beat up and it was really hard, because no one would fight them.

Of course in the bad neighborhood there is a bike path too but then you get into these weird situations like little black kids throwing rocks at you for walking in their neighborhood. What do you do then? They aren’t the kind of people I wish wong uld fight me. I want the yuppie runners that expect everyone to yield to them to try to fight me.

Hey Tim, I’ve been punched in the head probably 30 or 40 times. What new realities has it opened up for you?

The only thing I can think of is that once you get beat up you don’t fear it so much anymore but it also opens up whole other cans of worms. I mean there is no end to it. Being a true pacifist does actually solve a lot of problems. I mean truly being a peaceful person is a noble and difficult path. that is one choice that is out there. But if you don’t choose it, if you choose to fight, there is no being done with it. There is nothing you can really prove once and for all.

I am assuming you are drawn to the peaceful path.

Getting punched in the head a few times has the effect of waking you up to certain things.

Hee, hee, hee, meeting new neighbors is always an adventure.

I walk down the street when I am bored hoping someone will punch me in the head.

Hee, hee, hee, that’s sooo Ted of you. Here’s hoping you don’t get your wish, or you do if you want, or you wish for the opposite of something and it happens or something.

The burrito girl did kill herself.

Sorry. It sounds painful this far away. It should. On my office wall I have a series of pictures of a girl who became addicted to meth and died. I don’t know her name but when people ask me about her I call her My Friend and tell what I know of her story. She’s followed me from office to office and she’ll follow me to my next job. It’s good to know The Burrito Girl has friends too.

Love is the seething hatred you develop for another person because you don’t understand why they have this power over you but you just know you have to be around them.

That would make an interesting Hallmark card.

Sorry about the Burrito girl. Did you really get punched in the head this weekend? Its hard to tell with you. I walk down the street when I am bored hoping someone will punch me in the head. People can tell somehow. They don’t do it if you are hoping they will.

Its probably not a good hobby.