I have a lot of notes in my pockets. Things I scrawled down while at work. Things I want to write here. Things I want to write to her. To say to her. To say into empty space just so that they will be heard and on record somewhere, if not here or in her heart. Someplace where these things count for something more than what they count for her.

I got off work early today. We had soup. Green curry. I am listening to Paul Simon’s Rhythm of the Saints. While listening to that song “Obvious Child” some six months ago is when I had one of my first profound religious experiences™ - this overwhelming moment of joy, forgiveness and acceptance. The kind that makes you want to stand up straight and live your life as it’s supposed to be lived, instead of as a pale mockery of your omnipresent fears…

People have been sending me pictures. It has been helping. I can’t say why or how. A lot of these things don’t need to be said. A lot of other things need to be said. I don’t know where you’ll be sitting when you read this. Upstairs maybe, basking in the aromatic glow of broken windows and walls erected for no reason I can figure out. I know what we have. I know what it is. I know what it means. I have seen it. That’s why I’m leaving. Because this isn’t it. I don’t need my dreams tainted. I can keep my heart pure if I don’t have to let reality intrude into the picture.

Not that this is reality. It’s one of those things: those pale reflections. Those sick mockeries.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Wunjo is the rune of Joy. Since joy is least frequently a solitary emotion, this rune often represents mutual or communal bliss. Yeah that was nice while it lasted. I tasted of the ambrosia of Heaven. I ask only to be let back into that Realm someday, beyond the Seventh Shore. The day when I will have achieved at last the Holy Grail and when I can heal others with it… Wunjo is also seen as a rune of the gods and a rune of perfection, carrying with it the elation that blazes from the creation of a perfect work - perhaps this is the true joy of the gods, that they can create perfection. I don’t know that I agree with that. They should have said something about the Platonic Ideal maybe and God as the ultimate source of truth and reality. I guess that’s probably too much to ask for in an online divination site. That aside, this rune does not focus on the struggle for perfection or on our inevitable imperfections, but rather on a job well done and the satisfaction that comes from it.

So I guess then I did what I had to / this is what I have to do. The other day Helios said to me: “That’s the reason you’re here: to tidy up that house.” Well God knows I have tried. I told her last night that there’s only so much I can do. If you want to really be healed, you have to ask God to take care of the rest. It’s beyond my ability to see and to change. You have to want Love. You have to long for Truth. You have endlessly seek Reality, which is why I will have to seek you elsewhere. In other realms, beyond the farthest shore, in dreams. I will find you again. I have seen your face my love. I know your touch, your smell. I hear the baying of your hounds in the forest.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Isa is the rune symbolizing Ice - cold, stagnant, frozen, and unchanging. It’s a cold that burns. (I’ve actually thought that “Isa” would be a good name for a cat a while back, incidentally) This rune suggests heat removed not just from anger or conflict, but from passion as well. Well why don’t you just slap me in the face, online rune thingy? Paradoxically, Isa conveys images of slippery slopes and unsure footing, but also of circumstances that have crystallized and become utterly immutable. I’m not really sure that’s quite a paradox, but oh well. Remember that in the cold north (the cold cold North Coast), ice is not just THE challenge to be overcome, but the very nature of the environment. Along with a lot of mist which covers the sun, so no wonder. Be courageous, for you work against this element every day. Why should I waste time working against the very environment itself? That doesn’t seem very wise. Will you fight alone or with others against this, our common foe? I’m happy to fight, but noone else seems to be up to the task. Is there much worse than lack of change? Is that a rhetorical question or what? What about changes in shitty directions? Maybe they only seem shitty right now. I don’t know.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future. Tyr was the Norse god of war. Oh good, war in my future. An even bigger fight than what this has been. Can’t say that I am too surprised. God give me strength. I know you have already given me so much as it is. But give me strength to endure and see your pure heart again. It was through his sacrifice that the great force of chaos, the wolf Fenrir was bound. I always liked wolves. Should they be bound, is that what they need? I saw a photo in an outdoor/hunting magazine the other day about wolves at Yellowstone being de-listed. The picture made them look absolutely bloodthirsty. Their maws wet with red… Here however, you have drawn the rune reversed. Figures. This could mean that a sacrifice made will not lead to the desired result. When does it ever? It could also mean a loss, or a victory overturned. Right, right. I get it. This rune warns against entering into conflicts or negotiations, especially ones requiring that an offering or concession be made - the wolf might take your hand and yet remain unbound. Well that’s already happened, so whatever. Note also that Tyr was the god of law, so there is a suggestion of a wrongdoer who will avoid justice. Stupid runes. Why do I even bother with this shit anyway?

This is how the sequence flows.

Why don’t I just let myself dissolve into unconsciousness? Wasn’t living in fear easier? Wasn’t hiding from life ultimately less challenging? Maybe that’s the course she has taken. I can’t say that kind of thing for anybody else. I do know though that there are times when running feels courageous but it is actually not. And there are other times when it doesn’t feel courageous at all, but it very much is, or can be. I think I wrote something like that in the notes in my pocket. Too bad I didn’t bother to read any of them before writing this.