I have gone from black back to grey. I used to be grey back maybe like what was it seven years ago? Then I went to black for a while. I think probably when I moved to New York. But since I have gotten back to Seattle, I have gone back to grey. I tried red for a while for these past few months but that didn’t seem to stick.So now I’m back to grey. New hat. New shoes. Old shirt. The oldest shirt I have, in fact. That’s fine. Gandalf was grey. At least for a while.

Speaking of, I was always interested in that wizard Radagast the Brown. They only really ever mention him in the LOTR book once or twice and in the movies not at all. I seem to remember him having a special thing with animals. My friend who visited me down there bought a brown hoody because he didn’t know it would be so cold there. Radagast and I went to Wizard’s Grove and he climbed a tree. I found a rocket in another one and had some moments of communion with something or other down there. We found a beachball that was obviously alive and trapped in an inhospitable part of the dunes. We kicked it though it fought us until it could escape down into an area with a nice little pond and a place to sit and ponder the green hills. They reminded me of living in Ireland. Except I have never lived there.

In The War of the Sons of Light Against the Sons of Darkness (1QM), one of the Dead Sea scrolls, Belial is the leader of the Sons of Darkness:

‘But for corruption thou hast made Belial, an angel of hostility. All his dominions are in darkness, and his purpose is to bring about wickedness and guilt. All the spirits that are associated with him are but angels of Sweed, a type of drug.’

I’m a big fan of vanishing. I always have been. Throw down a ninja smoke bomb and whoosh. Noone’s the wiser. Doesn’t make for a whole hell of a lot of continuity in the storyline though. It’s more of a reoccuring theme, or an artificial editing device they use to transition between scenes. Like a star wipe. Uh oh, time for another star wipe!

enough beer to cover meat
tiny bit of oil
cock sauce
garlic if we got it
black pepper
oregano

I’m going through old notes right now. I have a lot of them. Not all of them I want to share. Some of them are embarrassing because they are too personal and cross whatever arbitrary threshold of “privacy” I still pretend to maintain here on this site. Others I just wrote when I was really high and I don’t remember what the fuck seemed so important about them anymore. There’s a movie out right now called “The Lives of Others”. I wrote that down when I walked by the theatre the other day. There was also one called “Away From Her.” This is what I mean when I say that everything is talking to me.

Non Errabis

You Will Not Go Astray

Mary is standing on a column. Her right hand points the way, the right direction. The column is placed in the center of a crossroad. Whoever is watchful enough and lifts his eyes to the figure of Mary will not go astray. The crossroad is a symbol of the cross, our way to salvation. Mary has been placed on this road to point us in the direction of eternal salvation.

Robert Anton Wilson wrote about this sort of thing in some article on the Kabbalah. I’ll have to find and link/quote it when my internet connection is back in action. I just put on 3 Feet High and Rising which is making me feel a lot better. But yeah he talks about something or other with like license plates sending him messages and whatnot. What he’s talking about is essentially the experience of what we’re taught to call “going crazy.” I may just be arrogant and French, but (1) I fully understand what he’s talking about now and (2) it’s not insanity at all. It’s actually a much more natural mode of consciousness that stretches back thousands of years and which gives you access to the voices of gods & spirits and makes every song on the radio about your life.

Which is why you go “crazy” potentially - because you suddenly think the entire universe revolves around you and it gets out of hand REALLY fast. Unless you’ve been preparing yourself for it. But even then it fucking sucks because you can make all these excellent gains in re-attaining this natural animistic psychic magical mode of god consciousness, but then the stupid cultural programming we have makes you recursively question yourself and your experiences which throws you into nasty little vortexes. Nevermind the deceptive entities that live around and like to push people into these false sub-worlds. They like to pretend to be Gods so that your words and actions glorfiy them (garmonbozia) instead of the Real Alien Hidden God “hiding” but not really behind them.

The Deceivers make you question yourself and more importantly to forget the gains you have made. They wait on the thresholds between states of consciousness. In real life they look like “shadow bows.” They will bounce through a room like the spell rays cast by Wizrobes and their purpose is basically to bounce you off the track you’re on. I’ve experienced them very visibly in certain “group mind” situations where too many psychic warriors were downloading too many rotes at once for the keepers to be comfortable. So they bounce through the room causing a light and temperature and pressure shift which your central nervous system automatically alerts you to and drops whatever was floating around in the RAM of your head. Ram’s head. Transmit transmute. What was up with that Blue Moon? Too much freaking full moon action this past month. I don’t accept the lies you tell yourself.

Oops, I forgot how to draw a white trash emoticorn.

Look at the face on this thing. Deceivers written all over it. It goes something like this, the image sequence. Don’t interpret this literally or metaphorically. There is a third way. Knights fight dragons in order to free maidens. Then they become a king and they become lionhearted. But the lionheart is also a roseheart and has great potential for getting thorns in it. The crown of thorns is actually made of roses woven together. The lion gets a thorn in its paw and then it has to humble itself enough to allow the mouse to remove it. And then the mouse is rewarded with riches. Same thing as the Fisher King the Maimed King and the debased fool or pure simpleton who is the only one who can retrieve the Grail. The white cala lily also connects back to the unicorn and Christ, as it did in Medieval animal imagery. There are also some interesting relics from Assyria or something maybe of a king slaying a lion. The Lion Hunt of Assurbanipal, I think it’s called.

Signed with the seal of an apple. I like that. Her unicorn actually kind of looks like an apple here. Maybe it was another symbol trying to burst itself forth. We certainly tapped into it enough.

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* Mary is a perfect reflection of God’s light
* She is entirely centered on Christ, her Son
* She is the one who crushes the head of the dragon
* In her God’s own Son became human
* She makes God visible as “Bride of the Spirit”
* She is eminently graced
* She is the threshold between Old and New Testament
* She is a guide and signpost to Christ

Good food since 1973

I found a sign at a grocery store that said: “If you want to eat, tend to your garden.” We should have planted an apple tree. That’s what we should have done. Would that have changed anything?

See that’s the thing about this “other mode of consciousness” as I like to call it. It makes you drill down and interpret every little damned thing. Or at least it does me. But it’s actually still a lot better than the other way, because you start having these themes, these tropes, these notes and melodic passages that repeat again and again in your life. And you begin to have the ability to sort of orchestrate them and embellish them with horns and strings where appropriate. And when things are at their smoothest and most harmonious you can really seriously feel and hear and see God speaking to you through all things.

Doesn’t last though. Or at least not yet though. Certainly wish it did. I can see what PKD was talking about a bit more clearly now talking about how the Spirit of Elijah had left him at one point. And then he eventually gave up and died. Why do these things come and go for people though? Why is Grace so fickle? I was going to say “fucking fickle” but I’ve been realizing how inappropriate and disrespectful it is to curse when you’re talking about God - even if you’re trying to do it in a funny way. I mean, you’re not going to get struck down or anything, but it’s just sort of a nasty thing to do. So I’ve been trying to avoid it.

The thing about Grace basically is this: you don’t really deserve it. Even if you’re a really good person and you live life really well and are really great to everybody and all that stuff. I mean, yeah you deserve goodness and you deserve all those good things to come back to you. And that’s what Karma is, that’s what the Wheel of the Law is. But this goes beyond that. Grace is that goodness which is so good that you can’t possibly deserve it based on the life you’ve been living. Because it’s just that Good. It’s that Strong. It’s that True. It’s that Real. It’s that Powerful. It’s that Majestic. It’s that Terrifying. Grace is what they mean when they say you should “fear God.” Because when it comes to live on you, you’re terrified of it leaving you because you know you don’t deserve it in the first place.

And then most people tighten their heart muscles and constrict their intestines until they actually start to not deserve it, get caught in the whirlpools of the Deceivers and then Grace really does leave them. It’s fickle. But it does come back. You just have to court it. It’s called Courtly Love. It means Utter Devotion. It’s called Islam. It means Utter Submission.

sliced bread
avocado + cheese (swiss)
pickled carrots + some red thing
hot sauce
onion?
cucumber
soda
[three hearts that look like apples]

Appleheart. I walked by a dog called Annabelle yesterday. That’s a great name for a dog.

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Rose lion heart leads to crucifixion between two thieves [which leads to all-seeing eye of masonic pyramid] debasement of the king and lilly unicorn christ resurrection don’t believe this false illusion world. It was sent to test and to trick you both into averting your mission and God’s mission on earth go back home write wait have trust and faith in the Lord your God. Crucifixion blindness beggar eloi eloi abandonment. Things don’t change it’s my ability to deal with them that changes.

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i am sleepy and worn out