I’ve been on this whole kick - I don’t know if I’ve written about it here yet. But it’s one of those things that’s been written on my heart for some time now. It’s this thing about the difference between a decision, a commitment and an agreement.

But before I get started on that, I just wanted to ask semi-rhetorically: what the hell is going on right now? Literally everyone I know is in some kind of crazy state of personal turmoil right now. Everyone’s life is in an uproar. Everyone is going through something or other which is personal and deep to the point of being virtually inexpressible. And it seems to be a wave passing through all our lives. Anybody know when this is going to end? I know somebody out there has secret information they are not sharing with the rest of us. But, you know, we could really use it right now. If only to know how long we have to hold out. My sources seem to indicate the end of the summer. By then things will be different.

But what are my sources? That’s the third thread I want to weave together here: something about the difference between perceptible reality and “spiritual reality” for lack of a better term.

I could go on an intellectual rant about that if I wanted - and I might still later - but this seems like more of an opportunity to be emotionally honest. That seems like what is really required here. God, right? I’ve had this whole, I don’t know, “God-thing” happen to me these past few months. I don’t know specifically where it hit me. I know there were milestones, way-points, moments when things flooded into me and changed me. But they are too numerous to name specifically and doing so isn’t really worthwhile at this point. Because the point is the transformation that has come over me.

And it has everything in the world to do with Love. I know it sounds trite and New Agey, but I have had and continue to have the extremely up close and personal experience that Love is literally the only source of reality. That it is the source from which all things flow. And that source is also synonymous with God.

So that sounds good, but what does it mean? It means my heart has been irrevocably broken open and that I am not who I was before, but am closer and closer to being what I have always been. And this is where things get tricky. Maybe I should take a quick stab at a quote here. Maybe that will jumpstart what I’m after. This comes from the Sikh tradition and describes the five levels of spiritual reality:

The next is gian khand. “In the realm of knowledge, knowledge is ignited, i.e. illumination dawns.” The seeker here becomes aware of the universe and the mystery of existence. Through the creation, he gains knowledge of the Creator from whom it emanates. Knowledge here is not merely intellectual or sensual; it is intuitive awareness, a spiritual consciousness which expands the vision of the seeker. His sense of wonder is born not merely of his awareness of the many forms of life or the ordered movement of numerous celestial spheres, but of his perception of God who is the sole force behind all. In front of this limitless variety of cosmic life, he feels humble. This simultaneous experience of expansion of vision and of the sense of humility leads to vismaya or vismad (wonder).

Saram Khand is the sphere of spiritual endeavour. Here man strives against the last remnants of his ego which still afflict him in spite of his experiencing strong emotions of humility in the gian khand. If the sense of awe and wonder is not accompanied or followed by discipline, the experience might become a mere emotion, something remembered with nostalgia but having no permanent worth. To become worthy of receiving the divine grace, one must chisel one’s surati (consciousness) which is a unifying thread for all human faculties. This chiselling of intellect and wisdom would erase even the subtlest layers of ego from one’s mind.

So I got the “wonder” thing down. That stuff’s totally awesome. In fact, the word “awe” is what makes something “awesome” and the sound “awe” is the sound “Ah!” is the sound “aaaaaahhhh” open up wide is the sound of angels intoning notes of rejoicing to God’s infinite glory and for being given the opportunity to exist within that and experience it. This is where the feeling of overwhelming Divine Love comes from. This is where in the Christian tradition you are forced into a place of psychological crisis where the Love you are experiencing you realize you are not worthy of it - not THIS much love - because you haven’t lead a life which would really warrant it. And that’s where Grace enters the picture. Grace is the, yeah you’re a fuck-up (or yeah you think you’re a fuck-up), but here’s the best possible present you could ever be given. And just whatever, just take it. It’s yours. It belongs to you. It’s your birthright. It’s what they mean when they say that man is made in God’s image. It means you are the inheritor of Grace, of Truth, of Love, Hope, etc.

But then you get that sinking feeling. Because the patterns by which you’ve identified yourself your whole life are so strong. You have invested a massive portion of your personal energy allotment to their maintenance, or more rightly, their defense.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about that part in the Bible musical where Jesus walks on the water and it’s like all awesome or whatever. But then Peter tries to go out there and meet him and can’t do it, because he’s a whiny bitch:

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

The “gian khand” of the Sikhs is when you get the call from God or whatever and then try to meet him halfway. And then the “saram khand” is when you get out of the boat and it works okay at first and you’re like “Holy shit! I really am walking on water!” but then you freak yourself out and you start sinking. And fast!

Okay so I was prepared to go on and on with this. I had this whole thread I was following but then it jumped out of the computer screen and into my lap, so I lived it instead of writing about it. But now I think I can write about it again and have something meaningful come out - maybe. After I began this yesterday I found out from “my Leonard” (inside joke) that our sailing trip may be postponed by about two weeks.

Which sort of threw me into a tailspin. Because the thing is when you prepare yourself for a major decision, an adventure even, well what you do is you bring yourself up to the edge of a huge precipice. It takes time and effort and the conquering of major fear elements to get yourself to that precipice. And then you get up there you stand you look around and you’re like hell this isn’t all that scary. I mean it is but you’re ready for it.

But then if that impulse which propelled you to the precipice is removed or delayed, you’re just like fuck what do I do now? That’s the precise vortex I found myself in yesterday. Luckily, earlier in the week I had scheduled to get a second tattoo done at Super Genius downtown. Or is that Capitol Hill? Doesn’t matter, I hate Capitol Hill either way but I had a lovely time getting tattooed by a guy who looks like a demon and was wearing a shirt with an octopus and the word “Isis” on it. Which seemed only appropriate given the symbolic subtext of the tattoo I got: a red heraldric rose on my right inner wrist. Which is sort of an oblique Virgin Mary devotional reference as well as a bunch of other things. Sailors in the 1940’s, I read, would get a rose tattoo before going to see in honor of the wife or girlfriend they were leaving behind. I also wanted it to stand as a reminder to myself of “all actions in the world guided by love.”

The tattoo for me has become something of a reverse stigmata. I don’t know how else to explain it, or quite what I mean by that. Last night it felt like an open wound, the point of a nail having been driven through the space between the bones in my forearm. Radius and ulna? But it’s a stigmata that instead of bleeding heals itself over time. The wound that renews itself into new life and some kind of redemption.

Last night I saw the moon doing funny things. It was up to no good. I could literally see astrological alignments in the sky cast in the light of the moon and it made me realize that astrological charts back in the old days, people literally just could see them in the sky. They are right there but they are hidden unless you can open the Moon Door to see it. And then its sort of like a knob. You can “tune the moon” and what it does is it allows you to shift sideways through dimensions. It made me realize why the moon in Arcata is slanted. It’s literally a different overlapping dimension than ours. Which makes a lot of things make sense, like the angels that carried me through the fog when I drove down there to live and to (almost) die.

What the hell else? I shaved my beard last night, leapt from the Lion’s Mouth across the precipice, divulged visions of the future to various persons, made the final and ultimate sacrifice which I’d overlooked for months, shifted dimensions laterally, witnessed friends under the aspect of different realities within our time and space, stood on a castle, a sailboat, liberated a lost spirit from a friend’s house, and a bunch of other shit I don’t remember. Pandemonium, basically. It will be funny to see if they show up. My tattoo hurts. My wrist is swollen and fat. I might go see a movie and eat fish and chips in a while.

In order to sink into the sea because of lack of faith there has to first be a sea. To see things under the aspect of their spiritual reality is to have all surfaces become safe and walkable, even if it is scary. You just step out there and know that whatever happens you will be guided, supported, loved and watched over at all times.

Lessons learned:

1. Life is hilarious and there’s literally nothing to be afraid of.
2. Love comes from inside you, not from the other person. The place inside you that it comes from is simply called “God”. You have the ability to share that part of you with others, and their “God parts” will recognize it and respond or they will struggle against it.
3. There is no struggling against it. It’s the only thing that’s real.
4. Spiritual reality is more real than regular reality.
5. The moon can be “tuned”
6. A bunch of other shit.
7. It feels super weird not having a beard anymore.
8. To love something for real is to be willing to completely let it go forever.

And shit. Life’s crazy. End of story. Here begins a new chapter. Time-Bridge. Time-Bridge. I am going to TOTALLY have to rewrite the musical. The end is actually the beginning. The Bible is meant to be told backwards. It starts with the Crucifiction and ends with the Book of Genesis and then this video by Semisonic:

God, we have so much to talk about. But all in good times my friends. Now is the time for rejoicing in the summer sun. It is a day of re-birth.

On St. Peter ’s Day in 1559, Theresa became firmly convinced that Christ was present to her in bodily form, though invisible. This vision lasted almost uninterruptedly for more than two years. In another vision, a seraph drove the fiery point of a golden lance repeatedly through her heart, causing an ineffable spiritual-bodily pain. The memory of this episode served as an inspiration throughout the rest of her life, and which motivated her life-long imitation of the life and suffering of Jesus, epitomized in the motto usually associated with her: “Lord, either let me suffer or let me die.”

It all comes round full circle. Never fits better now fits best. Cause effect truth exchange. Thankyou, Thankyou. Why deny the obvious, child?

“Love proves itself by deeds, so how am I to show my love? Great deeds are forbidden me. The only way I can prove my love is by scattering flowers and these flowers are every little sacrifice, every glance and word, and the doing of the least actions for love.”

Use this video:

With this audio instead:

And this is too good not to post. Doesn’t totally relate but it also does:

Earlier in my life, I was an addict. Specifically, I was addicted to mudding, but that detail doesn’t really matter here. What matters is that while I was an addict, everything was simple. I didn’t have to worry about what to do with my free time; mudding took over all that time and then some. I didn’t worry about networking and making friends; my addiction blinded me to their importance. While I was mudding, my goals were simple. I longed only for more XP, more gold, or more equipment. And because mudding was such a large part of my life, my life goals became correspondingly simple. Although perhaps shallow, life was good. But at some point after watching one too many fellow mudders fall academically, I decided to quit. I weaned myself of my addiction, and moved on. And this left me in a confused state from which I’ve never fully emerged. Now when I have free time I have to figure out something to do with it. I’ve tried hobbies and learning for the sake of learning, which is all somewhat fulfilling, but honestly nothing has replaced the security I had as an addict. When I was an addict, I knew who I was.

And a bow, and watch me twinkle out of this dimension. There are many other better ones to be explored and glorified. Come join me. Yes, we have heaven. Avalon haven. Ava avis avram.

to exchange truth causes changes to be effected in reality it is in fact the only way to change any thing speak forward truths utter prophecy i create as i speak gods word