The purpose of Hell, I believe - or at least of Purgatory - is to make you aware of the fact that you are responsible for your own decisions and no one else is. Even if it seems like other people or outside factors “forced” you into making that decision. The ultimate responsibility for all of it still rests squarely on your my head. As the author, you have sole responsibility for authorizing your own decisions. The important thing to remember is that most of the decisions you make are not actually external at all. The vast bulk of them seem to be internal: decisions and small choices about what to think about, how to feel, what to focus your energy towards or against. Becoming aware of this authorship and taking ownership of it is the trailhead of the path which leads you out of the (semi) infernal regions.

An individual with such a neurosis is very dubious about his right to exist. He has a profound sense of unworthiness with all the symptoms that we commonly refer to as an inferiority complex. He assumes unconsciously and automatically that whatever comes out of himself - his innermost desires, needs and interest - must be wrong or somehow unacceptable. With this attitude psychic energy is dammed up and must emerge in covert, unconscious or destructive ways such as psychosomatic symptoms, attacks of anxiety or primitive affect, suicidal impulses, alcoholism, etc. Fundamentally, such a patient is facing the problem of whether or not he is justified before God.

If the love you bear me, O Lord,
is like mine for you,
tell me, why do I hesitate?
And why do you delay?
‘What do you want from me, O soul?’
‘Only to see you, my God.’
‘And what do you fear the most?’
‘My greatest fear is losing you.’
When a soul is gathered to God
what more could it desire
than to love and love still more,
and being immersed in that love to love again?
I ask you, Lord, for such a complete love
that the soul may possess you
and may make itself a home
in the place that is most fitting.
Let us make our way together, Lord;
wherever you go
I must go:
and through whatever you pass,
there too I will pass.

It’s Friday the 13th, the last of my oblique three day cycles through existence. As of this point, many things are “back to how they were” (a homecoming, of sorts) before everything went to shit. I don’t know what that means exactly but I almost feel like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. I wake up after ruining my first chance only to find out that I now have the opportunity to do the whole thing over, hopefully having rooted out some of the false assumptions and behaviors based upon them which lead me into ruin the first time. Or not. In reading a lot of Edinger’s Jungian blabbety blab, I have come to the awareness of basically the necessity of alienation and of rejection. That is, you must break from “IT” before you can return to “IT.”

I wonder what it was about what it was that made it what it was. What was the specific constellation of events objects people and attitudes that made it that precise moment and not another? It sounds like fanciful conjecture I know, but I did make for myself (and for all of us) a time-bridge back to then, didn’t I? I think we passed another time-bridge save point last week or something. Now time has, I believe, begun going ever so slightly retrograde. That is time is going backwards. The dead are rising. Babies are becoming unborn again Christians the story of “Christ’s Life” as opposed to his ordinary life is actually told backwards. Well okay, backwards and forwards at the same time at once parallel to normal time. That’s where we’re currently operating here. St. Paul’s biography mythically recapitulates the events of Christ’s life which lead to his Life.

Last night I received renewed sight and insight into certain sights which had heretofore caused me fright but now they’re alright. Without going into being what they might, let’s just say I saw that red diamond again which I first saw some months ago. Back then it seemed like black smoke was streaming from it in four directions. But last night it looked like the four streams coming out from it three dimensionally were actually this time thin pieces of circular colored glass or coins and behind it something very beautiful was emerging. Something like a shy heart opening its wings in anticipation of flight return home Out of Egypt lion love looks up lost courage, finds it. Begins again. “The wasted value & unrightable wrong should be gradually righted daily. The unrightable wrong should become the Best Possible.”

But what’s the best possible? “What works best.”

Of course. Goddamn this is exhausting. Sort of fun though too, I guess in a kind of masochistic way. Speaking of allied weirdness, I found (again) this site the other day. I don’t know how to explain it. I can only look at it a little at a time. Nevermind let’s look at this instead. This is actually beautiful instead of confusing. It’s Thomas Aquinas talking about the Four Cardinal Virtues: Temperence, Justice, Fortitude and Prudence. He says that “temperance is love giving itself entirely to that which is loved; fortitude is love readily bearing all things for the sake of the loved object; justice is love serving only the loved object, and therefore ruling rightly; prudence is love distinguishing with sagacity between what hinders it and what helps it.”

And I like these depictions:

* Justice - holding a sword.
* Temperance - mixing wine and water in two jugs.
* Fortitude - with a broken column.
* Truth - holding a mirror and being attacked by a serpent.

Oh now I remember the other thing I was getting into last night. Something about the necessity of Christ’s incarnation as a fixed reference point upon which the Truth might manifest into the made world. Something like that. Fits in between 1 & 2 on this page. When you make the sign of the cross, you are setting a + reference point where you are saving the game. Then like cats we can share our memories while we sleep alone at home at night on the sofa with the internet. Getting might manifest. I am still thinking about the distinction I hit upon yesterday: (1) Being what you are and getting what you want, vs. (2) Being what you want and getting what you are. I am trying to be less number one and more number two. In number two you generally get your ass handed to you, but then you realize that it’s not actually your ass after all. It’s just an ass because you are self identitifying with the object of your desire instead of the shells of its passing. Storm chaser for love. Impaled upon the fixed point of the cross. Saving the game for later. Saving the games for later. Later never ends. Forever fits better.

(I’m working on: self cause effect exchange. Or like somebody wrote in my dream-blog-comment, my name is “I will. I will.” But not as I will O Lord but as Thou Wilt.) {I was also gonna write something about crushing coal into diamonds and the suffering sound of silence being the rearrangement of the connections between the molecules or whatever the hell it is. [You know what I mean.]}