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Suffer What To Suffer
On the one hand rested the word “aspects” and on the other rested the word “wrong.” I put my hands together and rubbed them vigorously up and down in front of me. Wrong aspects. I have been focusing on the wrong aspects. That much should have been obvious. The way to transmute the poison is not by focusing on how much the poison hurts. Negative intention creates a self-perpetuating recursion zone and further encodes the holographic engram instead of actively opening and releasing it.
The inner monologue, I think, is an after-the-fact narratization. Of what? Of choices made consciously. Being an after-the-fact process though, the conscious choices echoing through the narratized internal monologue are in fact false. They are first of all in the past, and there’s no possibility within the past. Second of all they aren’t actually choices so much as they are justifications made to explain to the conscious mind in its own language the choices made by the deeper more authentic being hidden in most of us well below the surface.
I can never find the quote when I look for it, but Philip K. Dick talks about having been hypnotized to perform certain tasks - the kind of hypnosis done at a party or a performance. Where you will cluck like a chicken or something if someone says your name. Anyway he talks about knowing that he has been hypnotized and I believe even knowing what for. But when those commands were triggered within his field of awareness, his mind invented an elaborate justification to explain to him why he was really doing it. And it made perfect sense to him on a rational level. And yet he knew they were merely implanted commands. The power of his internal monologue was that strong.
So I was thinking (in my internal monologue factory) that the way to shut off the after-the-fact monologue is to cut out the section of the loop which feeds justifications for choices made. That is, don’t make choices, just act. I think this is what everyone keeps trying to say to me about “beingness” which is a great thing to talk about but in practical terms quite difficult to actually communicate.
Keeping with my after-the-fact justifications for my own behavior and perceptual experiences these past few months: I believe there was a point in which I actively nullified my “editor.AI” mind or at least subdued it into a pattern which not only worked but allowed me to open a great deal of doors into deeper content: particularly the emotional and subconscious roots behind what I was actually doing: allowing myself to connect directly to source instead of spinning my hamster wheels in narratization.
Then, through a series of physically and emotionally stressful situations, I simply lost that clarity and reverted back into those patterns which at one point protected me (through justifications: “I have my books and my poetry to protect me”). And it has been a long climb back out of that hole. But it is working. I can feel it. Last night thunder and lightning. I was expecting to wake up today and hear that the Space Needle had been demolished by a stroke of lightning like in the “WOW! What a storm!” postcard I sent.
One of the few notes I wrote down last night in my book before going to sleep (I didn’t bring my book out with me on purpose last night) was something about “There is no guilt or sin in the salvation of unconditional love.” All debts are set to naught. All bills paid. All circumstances forgiven (FORGIVE IS FOR TO GIVE - try saying that while rubbing your hands together and nodding in time). Money changers being expelled from the Temple. The Temple is the heart.
I saw upwards into the space of glands held in my physical brain last night and I think began to be able to actively manipulate them. But on a very simple and small scale. Direct control of your glands seems a birthright intentionally buried or forgotten in modern culture. Direct chemical control of your physical being to trigger advanced emotional insight states. I don’t know how I stumbled onto them really or necessarily how to duplicate these moments. The soma liquid does not come from mushrooms, but mushrooms may in fact help you access the release mechanisms for it within your body. But I’ve been told that if you haven’t prepared for their release with a long period of celibacy/chastity then you run the very real risk of death because of chemicals (hormones) within your body.
I don’t really know but am speculating around some things I have read, overheard and experenced first hand. But this is worth pondering:
Try to imagine the feelings of a person in this situation. The tongue is far back in the throat; there is no breath. There is, however, a growing fear as to what may happen if one does not succeed in bringing the tongue back to normal. To have to remain for as little as half a minute in this terrible anxiety can lead to insanity. But as long as “.he danger of fear exists no guru will advocate this practice, for the dreaded will most assuredly happen the moment panic arises. Only with calm reflection can the tongue be brought back to its natural position, and the face of the yogi will tell the apprehensive spectator how difficult it is, and that it really is a matter of life or death. Yet he who is so unperturbed in the face of death that even this possibility cannot seriously disturb his equilibrium, has the means in his hand to pass consciously through the darkest regions of creation and dissolution. He is free from that which death represents to the average mortal: the final judgment that he must face in fetters.
Also worth considering is this saying which has been passed on to me through certain sources: “Faith like fire pretty much burns itself out: while Faith like flowing water seems Eternal” I think the thing I discovered previous to this was the “faith like fire” which burned into an enormous blaze and thereby burned me and itself completely out. Passing through the Order of the Phoenix? Last night I was practicing the Patronus charm. What’s that quote about everyone else around you being a Buddha kindly and lovingly waiting to help you ascend, because you’re the last person not to and the entire flux of reality will be changed once you can simply just join the rest of your brethren? It’s a good quote whatever it is. Thank you everyone for waiting. I guess I have been lingering because I like this place. It is beautiful. Pain is as glorious and beautiful and intoxicating as pleasure, maybe moreso as the crystals cut your tongues and lungs and drive the poison home deeper and deeper. The Spice Agony. The Water of Life.
I think I’m beginning to understand what it means to be washed in the Blood of Christ. Your face, your countenance is washed in his blood. You are cleansed like the wool of the lamb. March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. For my Patronus charm last night I used the memory of when we were taking care of the two dogs, and walking them around drunkenly in the drizzling rain. Now all of a sudden there are two kids running around upstairs. “Experience is the Best Teacher. Honesty is the Best Policy. Forgive is for to give. Forget is for to get. Righting the Unrightable Wrong gradually daily. Righting (all wasted value) daily. Parenting courage is vital. There is Best Possible.”
July 13th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
It also occurred to me on my walk home last night that my problem has been one of approach: I have been trying to kill Medusa, but keep getting turned to stone because I’m trying to look directly at her.
July 13th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
That’s a lot of road walkers to kill.
July 13th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Wow. I was going through really similar stuff last night down here in Olympia. Maybe it was those flashes of light in the sky.
The thought that basically came to me was the fact that whatever horrible thing we are, we were created by the Source to be as we are, and everything about us is a manifestion of that. So really, to be able to change at all is a tremendous act of grace from above, something that we would be amazingly grateful to when it happens, a beautiful gift. But the poison thought is that we are is NOT okay, not what we were meant to be.
We ARE what we were meant to be, this is it, right here right now, and anything more that we get put on our already full plates is a massive gift. To hate who we are is to hate God, and to change is to be gifted. Why tell somebody you hate them and then go asking them for gifts? It sounds funny but its what we do.
July 13th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
I dreamt last night that somebody left a comment on this website listing all the various names under which I have done projects on this and other websites and then they somehow proved that it was all equivalent to the name “I WILL I WILL” (one each for first name and last)
http://www.learntarot.com/maj01.htm
“And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.”
http://biblebrowser.com/mark/14-36.htm
I also meant to write about how in the new Harry Potter movie, Mappo has crept into Hogwart’s, which is why Harry Potter has to become the Teacher In Secret™ and form Dumbledore’s Army.
July 13th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Seriously, What if God doesn’t give a shit about you? What if there is no such thing as a benevolent guide anywhere in the Universe?
Maybe its all about Power. I think if you can reformat yourself, you should do it to be more powerful.
There are lots of models of consciousness, I’ve been rereading “Prometheus Rising” by Robert Anton Wilson. Sounds like you are stuck in the third circuit of consciousness again, which is reason. That’s where all the incessant inner dialogue comes from.
I know you have your own model and your own lingo, but that’s what it sounds like. I have been going down a path that really doesn’t involve anything akin to faith, but there are some things I have been reading that can come across as sophomoric because of the dark imagery. But its not neccessarily sophomoric. Its just that being a rebel is associated with teenage angst maybe.
But anyway, there is nothing silly about creating yourself and breaking off from the rest of humanity, being a means to your own end.
So I’m just saying…its working for me and I can relate, i think i don’t want to presume, to some of what you are going through.
Lots of parts of our psyche is inverted, if you turn it back outside out again, it might feel like you are being evil and selfish but really you aren’t.
July 13th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Or maybe I had a dark night of the Soul and just said “Fine, I’ll stay in the dark then.”
I think there are advantages to that.
July 13th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
I don’t have to wonder what if Ted, because I know the Truth.
Go ahead and try. See what happens! What I am trying to reformat myself with is The Truth.
I wouldn’t use the word “silly” to describe that, but maybe I would use words like: pointless, dangerous.
What I’m doing is “working” for me as well, even if it doesn’t sound like it is.
July 13th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
I think you are a lot deeper with your faith than I was when I had faith. I think you have much deeper insights. Deeper in an intellectual sense, not neccessarily in an emotional sense though. I’ll say that. But it seems very familiar to me all the same. And I don’t want to come across as attacking you at a vulnerable point here.
Because you are vulnerable. I wonder if somtimes the tendency towards gibberish is partly a defense mechanism.
I think you have flashes of genius, but to be a true genius as opposed to simply a mystic you need to come back down and effectively communicate your experiences to people at lower levels of consciousness.
I think that would also make things more universal to your fellow humanity, a common experience, a common possibility.
But as far as suffering goes, to me I can’t see it as anything other than making me stronger and more independant. If I look at it as making more pure more good, more loving etc. I just get too pissed off. That path has burned out for me. that circuit is dead.
That posits some sort of loving God that wants me to suffer because he loves me.
if you can see your way through that I am intetested in reading about it.
If there is a God like that, he must have overcooked me. Some thing went out of whack, if the intent was to draw me closer to faith in God.
So I was forced to look for a new paradigm.
It may sound like I am in the same paradigm and “angry at God” but really its just that its hard to convey what I mean to people of faith.
To get back to some type of faith, that is where I would have to pick it up again, I guess.
July 13th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Somebody said exactly the same thing yesterday about this. And then we opened up to a random page in a book and it had the exact same question. Philip K Dick takes an amazing crack at it in this extremely dense essay:
http://homoplasmate.blogspot.com/2005/05/cosmogony-and-cosmology.html
About how the purpose of being overburdened with suffering is to cause you to rebel. Because you semantically can’t give the command “Disobey me” so you have to force a mutiny, in essence.
July 13th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Yeah, that makes as much sense to me as anything. I think you are onto somthing there.
July 13th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
OK. I hope you are still awake. I read that whole fucking thing. Please don’t ignore this comment.
This is is very signifigant for me having read that. I guess I really am still a Christian, which is really good. But, it also explains why I am so fucked and doomed in life. I mean, my Dad is a Millionaire, not a Christian and I am smarter, better looking and more outgoing than he is and basically a fuck up. I am doomed.
But I guess ultimately its all good. But I just have to accept the fact that I will never be successful by worldly standards, even as a Christian training for the ministry I was a fuck up. Its like I was this outgoing guy all excited to serve god, charismatic and outgoing, a good leader yet humble, and then for some reason everything all goes down the toilet.
So then I got really pissed off at god. But its not the real God just the projection of God.
So anyway, I guess you are doing your job and have won back a brother.
Its a tough life believe you me. I guess I can look forward to more of the same.
but in a way I feel encouraged.
Did you ever read the story of my past life as a retarded berserker on my old blog?
Its a picture of christ much like Dick presents of the savior destroyer.
I was a berserker in a Germanic tribe but was mentally retarded. I played all day with children and little animals. I was decieved into fighting for my tribe by them tricking me into fighting for them by convincing me the enemy was trying to kill the children, but then i discovered that my fellow warriors were killing the enemies children.
but to me all children were the same, so I went into a rage and turned against my bretheren and they managed to kill me.
This was revealed to me. Maybe this revelation was a glimmer of this anamensis Dick talks about.