This is is very signifigant for me having read that. I guess I really am still a Christian, which is really good. But, it also explains why I am so fucked and doomed in life. I mean, my Dad is a Millionaire, not a Christian and I am smarter, better looking and more outgoing than he is and basically a fuck up. I am doomed.

But I guess ultimately its all good. But I just have to accept the fact that I will never be successful by worldly standards, even as a Christian training for the ministry I was a fuck up. Its like I was this outgoing guy all excited to serve god, charismatic and outgoing, a good leader yet humble, and then for some reason everything all goes down the toilet.

So then I got really pissed off at god. But its not the real God just the projection of God.

So anyway, I guess you are doing your job and have won back a brother.

Its a tough life believe you me. I guess I can look forward to more of the same.

but in a way I feel encouraged.

Did you ever read the story of my past life as a retarded berserker on my old blog?

Its a picture of christ much like Dick presents of the savior destroyer.

I was a berserker in a Germanic tribe but was mentally retarded. I played all day with children and little animals. I was decieved into fighting for my tribe by them tricking me into fighting for them by convincing me the enemy was trying to kill the children, but then i discovered that my fellow warriors were killing the enemies children.

but to me all children were the same, so I went into a rage and turned against my bretheren and they managed to kill me.

This was revealed to me. Maybe this revelation was a glimmer of this anamensis Dick talks about.

http://homoplasmate.blogspot.com/2005/05/cosmogony-and-cosmology.html

About how the purpose of being overburdened with suffering is to cause you to rebel. Because you semantically can’t give the command “Disobey me” so you have to force a mutiny, in essence.

Because you are vulnerable. I wonder if somtimes the tendency towards gibberish is partly a defense mechanism.

I think you have flashes of genius, but to be a true genius as opposed to simply a mystic you need to come back down and effectively communicate your experiences to people at lower levels of consciousness.

I think that would also make things more universal to your fellow humanity, a common experience, a common possibility.

But as far as suffering goes, to me I can’t see it as anything other than making me stronger and more independant. If I look at it as making more pure more good, more loving etc. I just get too pissed off. That path has burned out for me. that circuit is dead.

That posits some sort of loving God that wants me to suffer because he loves me.

if you can see your way through that I am intetested in reading about it.

If there is a God like that, he must have overcooked me. Some thing went out of whack, if the intent was to draw me closer to faith in God.

So I was forced to look for a new paradigm.

It may sound like I am in the same paradigm and “angry at God” but really its just that its hard to convey what I mean to people of faith.

To get back to some type of faith, that is where I would have to pick it up again, I guess.

What if God doesn’t give a shit about you? What if there is no such thing as a benevolent guide anywhere in the Universe?

I don’t have to wonder what if Ted, because I know the Truth.

I think if you can reformat yourself, you should do it to be more powerful.

Go ahead and try. See what happens! What I am trying to reformat myself with is The Truth.

there is nothing silly about creating yourself and breaking off from the rest of humanity

I wouldn’t use the word “silly” to describe that, but maybe I would use words like: pointless, dangerous.

So I’m just saying…its working for me and I can relate

What I’m doing is “working” for me as well, even if it doesn’t sound like it is.

I think there are advantages to that.

Maybe its all about Power. I think if you can reformat yourself, you should do it to be more powerful.

There are lots of models of consciousness, I’ve been rereading “Prometheus Rising” by Robert Anton Wilson. Sounds like you are stuck in the third circuit of consciousness again, which is reason. That’s where all the incessant inner dialogue comes from.

I know you have your own model and your own lingo, but that’s what it sounds like. I have been going down a path that really doesn’t involve anything akin to faith, but there are some things I have been reading that can come across as sophomoric because of the dark imagery. But its not neccessarily sophomoric. Its just that being a rebel is associated with teenage angst maybe.

But anyway, there is nothing silly about creating yourself and breaking off from the rest of humanity, being a means to your own end.

So I’m just saying…its working for me and I can relate, i think i don’t want to presume, to some of what you are going through.

Lots of parts of our psyche is inverted, if you turn it back outside out again, it might feel like you are being evil and selfish but really you aren’t.

http://www.learntarot.com/maj01.htm

“And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.”

http://biblebrowser.com/mark/14-36.htm

I also meant to write about how in the new Harry Potter movie, Mappo has crept into Hogwart’s, which is why Harry Potter has to become the Teacher In Secret™ and form Dumbledore’s Army.

The thought that basically came to me was the fact that whatever horrible thing we are, we were created by the Source to be as we are, and everything about us is a manifestion of that. So really, to be able to change at all is a tremendous act of grace from above, something that we would be amazingly grateful to when it happens, a beautiful gift. But the poison thought is that we are is NOT okay, not what we were meant to be.

We ARE what we were meant to be, this is it, right here right now, and anything more that we get put on our already full plates is a massive gift. To hate who we are is to hate God, and to change is to be gifted. Why tell somebody you hate them and then go asking them for gifts? It sounds funny but its what we do.

What’s that quote about everyone else around you being a Buddha kindly and lovingly waiting to help you ascend, because you’re the last person not to and the entire flux of reality will be changed once you can simply just join the rest of your brethren?

That’s a lot of road walkers to kill.