[continued, loosely, from here]
I slept for a few hours in a parking lot in Trinidad. Fog from the ocean rolled in and covered everything. Spending a week by the sea has made me adore fog. It enwraps you envelopes you makes you forget makes you sleep. I pulled my blanket over me in the backseat but cars kept coming in and out of the parking lot. Trucks actually. Men working. Men making some kind of living off the water. I envied them somehow.
It was another night I’ll never forget in another rental car I drove too far (this time 1200 miles) and paid too much money for and came away still empty-handed. Empty handed empty hearted empty headed the mist empties you out allows you to forget, to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night completely emptied and completely filled by some vision, by some knowledge which descended upon me with the mist from the sea. Something about Grace. Something about how Grace and Time are the same thing. Time heals all wounds. Grace is the gift of existence. To exist is to exist within Time. You didn’t ask for Grace or for Time or to exist and this is why it’s a gift. It’s not demanded. It is simply given with nothing asked in return, like True Love. It’s one of those late night broken-hearted realizations which washes over you and heals you, but which there is no real explaining. No repeating to someone else in terms that can touch their heart in the same way. It’s the mystery of that moment unfolded around you, enfolding you within its quiet loving arms. I woke up and drove on.
I am working on a lot of projects right now. One of the big ones, the real guiding ones, has to do with devotion. But it is devotion of the most difficult kind: devotion without an object. To not be devoted to a person or to a thing or to an ideal or even to God but to simply be devoted. Devotion without object. The point is to be able to access and cultivate those feelings of overwhelming love, joy and peace which one person inspired in me and to be able to give it equally to all people and all things and each moment. I know it can be done and I know that to settle for anything less would be a failure of the highest order. Maybe that sounds like I’m being too hard on myself but I have seen what’s possible, what can exist, how one can feel and can share it with everyone else. And nothing else even seems real or worthwhile to me anymore.
Love has no compartments. Love cannot be divided into slices like a pizza. Love is all. Love has no boundaries, no parts, no factions, no frontiers and no prejudices. Love has no limits whatsoever.
This, I believe, is the reason why they struck out any of the gnosticky Da Vinci Code-esque Mary Magdalene shacking up with Jesus material from the canonical Gospels. For the purpose of Jesus as a model for human existence is that his love transcends and supercedes all others. Which is not to say that he couldn’t or you shouldn’t have romantic relationships, but simply to highlight what else there is that exists: the Ecstatic Living Experience of God Within Your Heart™. The unfolding of Heaven on Earth. The Kingdom of the Father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it - because they we you I choose not to by closing our hearts.
How and why we close our hearts has been on my mind lately, as has been the question of how do we prop them open so they can never be closed again. There’s a passage in the Gospel of Matthew which to me has shed a lot of light on the methodology required here:
21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.
22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.
23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
I watched Aronofsky’s “The Fountain” again last night for the third time now. Each time the movie unveils for me a truth about myself and about life. Last night I saw in Hugh Jackman’s future space-traveler timeline great echoes of my own emotional struggles these past few months. While traveling to Xibalba in his magic bubble, he eats of the flesh of the Tree which sustains him. The Tree, it seems, is the memory of his relationship with Izzi, his wife. He chews on it constantly for sustenance and fears above all things its passing away. Meanwhile, he tattoos himself with the pain of his own failures day in and day out for what seems like years. That is, he holds onto it. He will neither forget her nor forgive himself. And thus he suffers by carrying forward willingly his own sin, his own karma.
This, I think, is what Jesus is referring to in the passage above. When he says possessions, what he really means is memories. We can amplify that interpretation through Mt 10:34-39:
“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.”
He is talking about severing attachments: the attachment of a man to his father, a daughter to her mother, etc. He is not saying that that these types of loves are wrong or invalid, but that Love Limited Is An Impossibility™, for Love is the fount from which all things spring.
Not sure why I never realized before this the twofold nature of Jesus’ teachings and miracles. On the one hand he advocated that people sell all their possessions, as in material possessions. And on the other, he went around casting out demons - curing them of possessions. Of obsessions, of things which hold people and which control people (see: Liberation Theology). It also calls to mind Don Juan’s whole thing about how the sorceror/warrior must actively erase his personal history:
Don Juan said that everybody that knew me had an idea about me, and that I kept feeding the idea with everything I did. “Don’t you see?†he asked dramatically. “You must renew your personal history by telling your parents, your relatives, and your friends everything you do. On the other hand, if you have no personal history, no explanations are needed; nobody is angry or disillusioned with your acts. And above all no one pins you down with their thoughts.†…
Here’s another way to think of it, along with some practical ideas on how to enact these principles to change your own life:
Imagine you are writing a biography of a person who you not only never met, but who is now dead. How would you go about establishing what kind of person they were? More than likely you would interview people who knew that person and consult any kind of historical documentation pertaining to them, correct? How would you ever know if your final work really and truly captured the essence of who and what that person was?
Now take that another step forward. Imagine you have amnesia. You can’t remember who you are or what your life was all about. Begin writing a biography of yourself using the same techniques you would to investigate someone else’s life who you’ve never met. How would you do it? You could interview your friends, family, associates, coworkers, casual acquaintances, etc and ask them who you are - or who you were. Compile all of their accounts together with any historical documents you can find: bills, journals, photos, personal artifacts, etc and weave it all into a story about who you are. Imagine that at the end of this process, you finally regain your memory and are now confronted with two versions of what your life is all about. You have the biographical version you compiled as a journalist objectively investigating this foreign person. And then you have your own understanding of who and what you are based on your first-hand experience of your self and your life.
Which account would be the correct version? Which would you choose to then live according to? Would you stick with what you set out for, or go with what you came back as? Would you be yourself or believe everyone else? Can you make the two the same: can you reconcile the balance of these accounts? Does 1 = 1 and can you drop the values down even further to zero? No expectations. No possessions. Devotion with no object. Truth without blemish. To love and live each moment as your first and last. To see the Kingdom of Heaven laid out before you.
FORGIVE IS FOR TO GIVE. FORGET IS FOR TO GET.
- END -
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18 Comments
http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm
osho, most of his stuff, for me, is like pure, cool, clear water on a hot summer day. I saw someone else say that about him and I feel the same way.
A big part of “surviving” this period is having tools, or knowledge that leads to knowing. A bit like the archetypes that Jung knew to give to patients who were inevitably headed for a crash.
I think Tim is a fracti-shaman. I don’t think full shamans truly exist anymore, not even in the so-called remnant shamanistic societies. I think most folks that are drawn to Tim’s works are fetal fracti-shamans. Fracti-shamans dispense valuable tools to those tuned to a similar learning frequency, and there also may be a kind of catalyst effect at work also but this effect is only accessible to those who are striving on a similar compass heading (oscillatory resonance). The best fracti-shamans, for me, teach in the manner labeled “crazy wisdom”. They don’t give out their teachings too easily, because then we really wouldn’t learn it. There has to be some sweat involved, i.e. you have to run the horse, to learn how to counter the matrix’s horse moves. You need to become a cavalier, deft in defensive strategy. There are different kinds of spiritual warriors. There is a difference between being and beeing. Bees sting if provoked, beings know how to wield their shield to protect themselves. Defensive strength to ward off the stroke.
As knowledge gives way to knowing, anger gives way to striving. Striving on the impossible dream quest. Anger does not go away, it is just transmuted before it comes to the surface, because the student/knight has no use for the anger manifestation any longer. It is a somewhat primitive tool that one outgrows.
Great imagery. Particularly, I find some of the main stream Gnostic writing on the net these days as “predatory”. I read through lots of syrupy smooth stuff (sticky, hah) and think “wow, very cool” and then every once in a while there is a slip, and the nasty underbelly shows it’s self very briefly, and I am shocked, and try and sweep it under the rug, but it just keeps bubbling up. It is really there. Brings to mind “wolf in sheep’s clothes”.
Lot’s of high potency information given here. Best to really think about this little disclaimer inserted in the document, I can’t find it right now, but it says something like:
“they are allowing you access to this information at this time. Think about this”
Yes, yes, yes, yes, think about this.
It takes work to separate the wheat from the chaff. The big lie from the small truths.
Tim,
You are really giving me insight on the ego. It’s really been a hard concept for me to figure out. I’ve always feared that my ego was my individual identity and that all these religious paths want to destroy peoples individuality.
I am thinking that isn’t really the case, but maybe for some people it is.
but let me ask you a question, if the ego is this false center people create based on others image of them, what if a person, was really hard for people around them to figure out?
Would that person have no ego?
Dude,the dude would say look closer to your time for spiritual references. Tom Waits comes to mind and his chocolate Jesus. You seem to be hurting yourself and psyche by willing to darn much.Let things come to you. I love that little towne of Trinidad, the little cafe by the little hill on the water. I planted trees in the surrounding area for many seasons. Going from sin city Seattle to Arcata is quite a jump. I sure like downetowne Arcata on a sunny day! Rumor has it Tom Waits can be seen on occaison on second street in Eureka. Been reading your blog for a while now, I will go back to my mental cave. Respectfully, Dennis from Oregon.
Yeah you must not have been around when I was writing from Arcata. It wasn’t all peaches and cream…
No, that person would just be hard to figure out, right? Not having an ego is not having an ego. I don’t know quite what that means, but it means something. It means what it means.
Well, what I mean is it would be hard to build an ego from all kinds of conflicting feedback.
Wouldn’t it?
Are we reading the same passage?
“Ego is always shaken, always in search of food, that somebody should appreciate it. That’s why you continuously ask for attention.
You get the idea of who you are from others.
It is not a direct experience.
It is from others that you get the idea of who you are. They shape your center. This center is false, because you carry your real center. That is nobody’s business. Nobody shapes it.
You come with it.
You are born with it.”
not sure what I did but I screwed up the quotes.
I guess I see now where i threw you off. “really hard to figure out” doesn’t really describe what I was trying to say.
If people have a hard time figuring you out, its hard to get feedback from others as to who you are. But its just identities people pin on you anyhow.
But If you get conflicting feedback, negative feedback, it gives an impetus to find your true center.
I guess I am farther along than I thought. I am starting to understand a lot of things i didn’t understand before. You linked that OSHO thing before about the false center. But I didn’t really get it.
But looking back I misunderstood what the ego was. But I think when I was misunderstanding it, I was still farther along than I thought. There is some stuff in the philosophy of non-dualism that is really bad and has a horrible misunderstanding of what the ego is. So I think because of that I was really suspicious of any teacher talking about getting rid of the ego.
But anyway, this is good stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0MqtVedGzo
Wanted the Beach Boys version, but oh well.
You’re asking good questions Ted, but is it always good to ask questions? I know that sounds like a bullshit answer.
Anybody know what this is?
http://www.hermetic.com/wisdom/images/Otb.gif
Well, actually, I was asking you a question and then I thought about it some more and read the whole Osho article and now I have some really good insights into this.
I think I know what the ego is and what my true center is and I am further along in identifying with my true center than I thought. I think I what you said about memory is a good point. There can be little worms that worm there way back in and the chewing analogy is good.
But anyway, your true center is better than your ego. Feeling good about it isn’t “having a big ego”
I’ve died several deaths. maybe that will happen to you. I’ve had a series of trials, where the choice was actual death, or somthing greatly akin to it or to conform to a role I was being placed in and I kept choosing death over being forced to be some one I don’t want to be.
I think that type of thing really helped me find my true center. But I can get really ignorant and get on rabbbit trails, but still I’ve gained a lot of ground.
Here is a good article on distorted views of the ego and how certian cults manipulate people into thinking they are being helped in getting rid of their ego:
The One-Sidedness of Oneness
It is through constructing images that idealize unity and selflessness to the detriment of separateness that spirituality and morality have gone awry. By a sleight of mind which easily passes unnoticed, the experience of an underlying unity is turned into the ideology of Oneness, which contains both unwarranted assumptions about reality and prescriptions on how to be. The commonest ones are:
1. Such experiences are more real than ordinary reality, and so unity is superior to diversity.
2. It is possible to be in the mystical state all the time and, of course, the more you’re there the better.
3. The path to unity is through negating individuation Here descriptions of unity turn into prescriptions for individuals to no longer act like individuals.
4. Following a presumed “arrived” master is the best way to get there
This is my new LA Guns video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-TssRlmmBE
How am I supposed to take this?
Nice writing Tim. Invokes something more than the mind. Creating in the reader the experience and focusing on emotion where self images can’t survive. Are you Love or are you something else. Detach from everything and the Truth will remain to give you your answer.
PS. Thanks for writing about The Fountain a ways back. I rented it and enjoyed it very much.
2 Trackbacks
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