the timboucher experience

I used to spend a lot of time researching so-called conspiracies. Then I stopped.

My interest began to wane as I grew increasingly exhausted from feeling anxious and freaked out all the time about everything. And I mean everything. There was almost nothing which didn’t - in some oblique way - seem to hook into a conspiracy. I never (thankfully) got to the point where I stopped trusting the real and good people around me, but from my own experiences I can easily see how this obsession could devolve into that sort of behavior.

Because that is really what it becomes: an obsession. Something you immerse yourself in mentally and emotionally. Some people end up drowning. A few seem somehow to swim. But it’s a very difficult pool in which to simply tread water.

Upon my return to terra firma, it was rather difficult to untangle the effects of looking at the world through this lens. But I somehow did it. Part of it, I think, was simply having to go through unrelated emotional drama in my own life, which suddenly eclipsed the flighty fantastical conspiracy concerns with things which were much more immediate. I’m still fairly convinced that my Skype phone may be tapped or at the very least recorded somewhere in a central data bank. But that’s not so much paranoia as it is simply a use of that technology which simply makes sense. That’s about the extent of my paranoia these days though, and I can - at the very least - manage that.

Conspiracy theory can easily become an addiction. I’ve been through it and seen it a whole lot, which is why I feel as though I can talk about it in this way. The cycle it seems to work in has to do with emotional responses to stimuli. You find out about some horrendous other viewpoint or interpretation of some particular issue or event, and then you become outraged, scared, hurt or confused about what the truth is. When people talk about “going down the rabbit hole” what they mean is this chase: this chase through theory after theory, interpretation after interpretation, in some vain quest to find the actual truth and root out the ‘evil conspirators’.

I don’t want to make light of this almost alchemical process of transmuting lies into the truth. But I do want to offer what I have found along that road - and by jumping off it. Because I think there is a “better way” and it involves finding the Truth within yourself, instead of in paranoiac fractal interpretations of current events.

So how do you do that? What is this “magic technique” I’m offering? Well, it’s nothing foolproof. And it certainly won’t have any effect unless you discipline yourself in its use. It consists solely in the formation of a new mental/emotional habit. Think of it as a perceptual programming tool. When you find yourself compelled to venture down into the dark rabbit tunnels of a conspiratorial interpretation of events, try this:

1. Identify where your response pattern begins. This means, when you feel a “conspiracy jones” coming on, recognize it as such and mentally notate it. Use the same mental note system every time this occurs. Make it a habit.
2. Allow yourself to experience it. You likely won’t get anywhere in the re-formation of behavior if you simply try to stop it. Because whatever the behavior is, it is surfacing because there is some impulse that needs to expressed. What you need to do is not necessarily kill that impulse so much as to channel it into a more appropriate pattern - one which you can manage and choose willingly, instead of having control you.
3. Observe your response. While you’re allowing yourself to experience the “conspiracy theory urge” play itself out normally, observe your mental, emotional and physical response to it. The easiest, most objective place to start (especially if you’re deeply in the throes of this behavior) is the physical level. While you’re thinking about conspiracies, or reading about them, or watching videos about them: just experience how your body is feeling. Does your throat or chest get tight? Do you sweat or feel “cold”? What happens? Write it down if you have to. Observe yourself like a scientist.

   From there, extend into emotional realms: do you feel angry, hurt, confused, outraged - what? Be specific, but don’t try to make any value judgements about your observations. Just watch. Finally, make notes about your mental state. What kind of thoughts does this behavior correlate to?

   Becoming able to observe yourself in this way will also assist you in identifying next time - more accurately - where the actual beginning of your response pattern lies. It will also, over time, enable you to gain emotional distance from the behavior.

4. Create alternative possibilities of responses. As soon as you become aware of the characteristics and effects of a behavior, you begin to create tools which could potentially help you gain enough leverage to create a new behavioral pattern. You won’t ever be able to change a behavioral pattern of which you are unaware. Ever. The first step is creating the awareness, which can only be done through identification, self-acceptance and observation. What you need to do after that is begin building up alternative channels for you to express the underlying impulses through in a more useful or healthy way.

   A simple way to do it: when you are able to identify a response pattern being initiated, ask yourself: is it possible for me to respond differently this time? If it’s not possible, decide for yourself concretely why it is not possible. If it *is* possible for you to respond differently, but you don’t, then make a note of what you are doing: you are consciously choosing to feel a certain way, when you know it is not only possible, but potentially more healthy for you to respond in a different way.

   Like I said, this requires discipline to pull off (and what doesn’t in life, frankly!). But this is where it starts: with asking yourself if another response is possible.

This is the single-best leverage point I have found for changing not only this, but ANY behavior. All you are really doing, when you boil it down, is exercising your Free Will. Your Free Will over what? Over conditioned mental and emotional responses. Over patterns which control or determine your behavior without your full conscious consent. Because that is what you are: you are a conscious being with the God-given power of Free Will to make your own decisions and control your own life and behavior. And if you’re a skeptic and you believe that you’re *not* a conscious being with the God-given power of Free Will, then what the fuck are you so worried about? May as well just enjoy the ride… Because if that’s your attitude, then you’re fucked either way!

• Quit Smoking Ban Cell Phones Anonymous
• Self-Expression & Oppression
• Conspiracy Theater
• Note to self
• A Definition of Conspiracy Theory