{Builds on the idea of self-contracts}

One of the things I’ve discovered as a writer treading very “out there” subject areas is that people - in general - get anxious when they don’t know how to take something, or how to respond appropriately to your words or actions. This is perfectly normal and understandable because the whole fun of communicating and interacting with people is that it is a two way street. While you can learn a lot by “playing chess with yourself” (metaphorically and literally), you’ll never enjoy it quite as much as you will playing with other people.

The great thing about chess - and all games, for that matter - is that it comes with a built-in script. You know what pieces can take which moves, and there are some basic rules about how the whole thing goes. When someone treatens your pawn, you can respond by reinforcing, by moving out of danger, by threatening or taking one of their pieces. But say your opponent put a banana on the chess board and then expected you to respond. What would you do?

While this might be entertaining from a surrealist or dadaist perspective, and it might be “funny”, the other person would be putting you into a position which you simply cannot respond within the rules of the game (see Walter Wink’s article on non-violence for this issue explored from another direction).

You can apply this principle on a more practical level, though. For example, conversationally. When you speak to people - especially people you don’t know that way, and they ask you a question, don’t reply with a simple yes or no answer. In your response, include potential building blocks for further interaction. This is, of course, especially helpful advice - I think - for guys who ‘have trouble talking to women’ (of which I suspect there are at least a handful who read this site).

But that’s just the beginning though. Romantic relationships and flirting in general are a great launching pad for deepening our conversation. Without trying to destroy the mystery of it, part of what flirting is all about is negotiating what script you and another person are operating according to. Does one of your script versions include expectations of which the other person is unaware or with which they may not agree? If so, you won’t get very far socially, romantically, whatever. It’s better just to be up front with people about what you are hoping to have happen. When all the information is up on the table, everyone can examine it and make informed choices about how they want to proceed. Think of it as the social contract philosophy applied to each individual moments, so that everyone is fulfilled in the ways they need and want to be, and if they are not, then they can be clear about that and move on.

Make sense?